Hey now!

Hi everyone! I know it's been a while! I am currently working on trying to make video blogs.  So I'm working on that now, and I will post it as soon as I figure out how to upload it! A lot of things going on,  I want to come address and a video blog but I don't really know if I should.

Basically what is happened is In July, the monster also known as Jared, was arrested. He was arrested for Selling LSD. He sold a vial of the drug to some 17-year-old children, boys having a birthday party. two of the boys at the party died after taking the drugs.  After a lengthy investigation I I would consider lengthy because I believe it happened in May and it was July when they made the arrest. I don't really know Too much of the details, it wasn't something that  I was involved in. A lot of the stuff a lot of the details, I'm finding out with everybody else. There are something that I was told by the monster, and I  turned that information over to detectives in July. I gave them my phone I signed for a search warrant they took and downloaded stuff off of my phone. Obviously anything that I know I want them to know,  because if that were my child I I would want another person to do the same. Just stand up and say that child should not be dead, I know something let me help.

As for my own child, I think that he is adjusting rather well. The only real problem that I see from him it's that he tells people his dad is dead.  He is learned over the course of his short five-year life, the jail it's like death. That person isn't alive to him while they are in jail. Makes me sad,  and make things difficult, but you get to the point where it's like what can you do? I feel bad for my son, I wish he did not have to deal with an incarcerated parents, but that isn't something that I had A choice in.

 I'm angry, frustrated, confused, everything that anybody doesn't want to be I am. I wish that were my child I can make this better, I wish I could make it better for those other two families, but  I can't. I can do is try to help where I can help. I don't know those two families, I don't know those two 17-year-old boys, and I have no way to reach out to them. I don't even know who they are I wish I did. but then if I did what would I say? How would I help them? I can say that I tried to stop Jared I did everything that I myself possibly could, but without any evidence no one could do anything. The only way he could be stop was for something horrible to happen. I think I've said that before.

Well, anyway, I guess I'm going to wrap this up for now. I'm going to try again to work on getting a video blog because I think it'll be fun. Who knows though, I guess we will see how it goes and until next time, happy holidays!

For All The Body Shamers In The World

Hello! My name is Brooke, and I'm the mother of SIX wonderful children ... and I am bending over backward to mold them into good people. I set the best possible example that I can. I want my daughters to know they are beautiful, not matter what the scale says, I want my sons to know that ALL women deserve love and respect, even if they don't look like they belong in a magazine.

I am 35 years old, most of my friends are close to my age, most of my friends have teen aged daughters, most of my friends are grown up, matured, and much like myself desire nothing more than to be a good example for the children that we raise.

Today, on my news feed, I was smacked in the face by some hard core body shaming, by women who are "grown up" and "mothers" one of which (the primary poster I know for sure) has THREE teen aged daughters. These "women" *and I use the term extremely loosely* took it upon themselves to TAKE PICTURES of people's ASSES so they had something to laugh at.

Let me share with you now, some screen shots I took.

I am not interested in saving any face here. This entire situation is APPALLING. I wish I could put into words how disturbed I was seeing this in my news feed. See, I like to believe that the people I associate with HAVE MORALS. When I see that not only do they not, but they are absolutely the polar opposite of what I need in my life, I'm going to speak up.

I was unfriended for stating the obvious. I don't honestly care. I was starting up my laptop to remove the trash from my facebook anyway, but she beat me to the punch. I'm fine with that. What I'm not ok with, are people behaving like this.

I also got a facebook message. Let me see if I can share that ...

No dear, You may fuck off. I could say A WHOLE LOT about these two, which is far worse than the asses they have taken photos of and posted online for their own bashing pleasure, but I won't, because that isn't who I am. Obviously, there is a relationship between the one who put that ugly post in my news feed, and the one who sent the message.

Not so long ago, you see, I was in a horrible marriage, in which I was abused, and I was relentlessly shamed. When I got out of that, I  made a promise to myself, that not only would I never be the kind of person to make fun of another, but I would always defend a person being shamed in that matter. I wasn't shamed for having a "camel toe ass" because I don't have one, but for other things, like my belly not being flat *after having 6 children* and my teeth not being perfectly straight, and my boobs not being perky enough *for fucks sake I had 6 kids* .. still it's irrelevant.

We, as a society, are ONE. We have the power to stop doing this. We have the power to stand up when we see it and say NO. It's time that more people started stopping people that are behaving like this. We as a society wonder WHY bullying has so much of a presence among our children ... well society, WE ARE THE PROBLEM! It's time to change our own attitudes and behaviors. It starts with you.

GO!

Happy Holidays!

Don't Dictate..

You know what really burns my butt? Having someone tell me what to believe, and how to believe it. Apparently having too much faith, having expectations, morals, and standards, well it's so very ... not christian. How does that happen?

Forgiveness now comes with the expectation of accepting and allowing poor choices and bad behavior. What?

People, who do not follow the word of God tell you how to follow the word of God. Hypocritical much?

Let me tell you something that I don't say to ANYONE. I am a Mormon, not by choice but by belief.

I believe God is still actively involved in the world. I believe in Prophets, and apostles, and I believe they have been and continue to be to this very day. I don't believe for so much as a millisecond that Jesus is a get out of hell free card. I believe God continues to reveal things to this very day. I don't think that just because a Man wrote in the bible that nothing should be added to this book means that God's work here is done.

The following are things I hear, time after time, and are really eating at my nerves.

1. Mormons don't believe in Christ.

Really? Christ is central to the LDS Church. Let's talk about first of all The Articles Of Faith.
#1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.
#3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.
#4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

2. Mormons don't believe or follow the bible.

I see, so the fact that our bibles are there and used mean nothing? Back to the articles of faith!!
#8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

3. The bible says "No more should be added to this book."

Please, if you would, open your bible to the Book of Mormon. What? It's not there??? Well if it's not there, I suppose you have lost your ground here. Also, since you do know so much about the bible, you are aware that the book of revelation was written before some of the books were even written, and revelation was placed at the end of the bible by men compiling it. Also, if you don't take it out of context, you'll realize that nothing was to be added or taken away from that book of prophesy, you know, Revelations. You also know there is bottom line historical evidence that lots of books were completely left out of the bible, the book of Solomon for example, that is my favorite left out book.

4. You worship a different God.

I guess that is right. The God you worship is a door mat for you to wipe your feet on and it's all good because Jesus died so you are golden regardless of what you do. It's funny to me how it is that you use the exact same Bible as me, and yet, the God in my Bible says I have to Obey him and his laws, and to help me with this he sent Jesus to be an example and to make sure that I go back to him. Maybe, just maybe, it's the same God, but you aren't treating him right and using Christ as your crutch. You will have to let me know how that works out for you.

5. You aren't really seeking God.

Huh, that's a little humorous! In fact, in the process of seeking God, asking God to help me, praying relentlessly for God to show me how to live right, this is where he lead me. To say that God is wrong, is pretty much denying faith in and of itself. You have no faith.

6. Joseph Smith was crazy.

You know, all those guys in the bible, Moses, they said he was crazy. John the Baptist, crazy. The 12 apostles, crazy. Jesus, crazy! Think what you will, Judge however you would like, it's not like Joseph Smith is the first man that God spoke to and was called crazy.

7. You aren't a Christian.

Why is that? I follow the Bible,I accept Christ, I live close to Christ, I try my personal best to reflect his love and grace. I praise God,  I am thankful, I am obedient, I repent when I have done wrong. Is it because Mormons have rules, and you don't like rules? I don't drink coffee and that is so unchristian of me!

Until and unless you really know what Mormon is, and what they do, and how they believe and worship, just don't bring your crap to me. I don't get in anyone's face screaming "YOU ARE WRONG! COME WITH ME! LET'S BE MORMON!" You know why I don't do that? Just because I feel what you believe is just that. It isn't my job to make you believe. You believe in God, you believe in Christ, good for you. The last thing this world needs is Christians pushing Christians away from being Christian. No one has EVER been damned for having too much faith, at least not by God. Wouldn't it be great if Christians didn't try to sit in the Throne of God to attempt to damn other Christians?

Get out of my faith with your garbage.

Mormon's have good morals, the LDS Church teaches good morals, they don't conform to the desires of society to make those living wrong feel right. I enjoy the accountability, I want these Morals and the accountability for my children. It's best for me, and it is best for my children. If God is your foundation, and you follow the Bible, and your church truly teaches the bible, you will find there isn't much difference between you and I, because even though you don't hold in your hands the things I do, we would b living and believing virtually the same.

I was raised Lutheran, I hold onto that with my whole heart and soul. The Mormon Church meets my spiritual needs that were formed within the Lutheran Church. They hold me accountable for things I need to be held accountable for. I am a 35 year old SINGLE mother. I do not have premarital sex, I do not drink, I do not take harmful substances into my body. I set a terrific example for my children. I am as kind as I can be, my heart is open to all people. I am sick and freaking tired of people trying to burn me at the stake for HAVING FAITH! "Lord forgive them, they know not what they do." Who knew that those final words from Christ would echo true more than 2000 years later.

Happy Holidays! Praise the Lord!

When Did We Get So Cold?

I was n Facebook yesterday, and one of the news channels from home had posted a story out of North Carolina. It was short, and pretty much said that a couple was arrested on abuse charges because when police showed up to their home responding to a call that there was a dead man in the home, the found that the house contained dirty dishes, dirty laundry, food on the floor and a plumbing leak in the bathroom, and there was a 62 year old man dead in the home. So a 25 year old woman, and a 30 something year old man were arrested, and 5 children ranging from 9 months to 13 years had been placed with child services temporarily.

How many of you have more than 3 children?

I do!!! I have SIX!!

Ok, so what the story doesn't say, how long was the dead man there? Since they had notified the police, I'm supposing he wasn't dead that long. It doesn't say how he is related, or how he died. It doesn't say the children were taken by child services because child services deemed the home unfit. Since both parents were arrested, that could have been why the children went where they did.

So I step back, these people were probably overwhelmed, my guess is they also have a few toddlers going on. Toddlers throw food EVERYWHERE. It doesn't say old food, moldy food, things have been there for weeks. I have 3 boys and myself in my home every day, want to hear my weekly dirty laundry load?? 2 big hampers, and at least 1 full sized basket, EVERY WEEK. When all 6 are here, DOUBLE that. Every week. That is a crap ton of dirty laundry. From dinner last night (pizza and ice cream) A sink FULL of dirty dishes, from 1 meal, for 4 people. Again when all 6 kids are here, its doubled.

Police make snap judgments and let the judge figure it out. Did you know I was arrested before? For defending myself? Yep, so in my case too, both parents were arrested. My children never went to child services. The officer that arrested me allowed me to feed my children and waited almost 2 hours to officially arrest me so that my cousin and my Aunt could come get the boys. He didn't have to do that though. He could have called child services and they could have come and taken my boys while I was going to jail. My charges didn't stick by the way, the prosecutor is a smart man, and since the fool had a rap sheet for beating me, it wasn't hard to figure things out. Doesn't matter though. It doesn't change the fact that it could have went a totally different way.

It seems to me that people have lost their compassion. They judge based on knowing little bits and pieces. They do it all the time. It's nice pretending that your life, and everything you do is perfect and wonderful, and that you are above anyone else. Parenting isn't a perfect art, and not everyone has the energy running around and keeping a pristine house. Some people don't have a washer and dryer, and they get *Oh Lord help us!* DIRTY LAUNDRY. Sometimes you get busy, and don't have time to do dishes for a day, and you don't maybe so much know what it's like to have a sick parent to add to the mix. When my dad wasn't doing well, I only had 2 children, and still the normal things you do go to the wayside. I was 25 when my dad passed away. I was 22 when he moved in with me, I had to watch him like a damn hawk. His health was failing, he was depressed, and slightly suicidal. I had to cut my dads food for him, because once I gave him a steak knife and he cut the fuck out of himself.

Ok so I have lived a life and witnessed some stuff. My house has been dirty, I have had dirty dishes, and dirty laundry, and too much on my plate. I have lost my balance in life before, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!  Again, I had 2 children, not 5, and it was like the world fell in on me.

I hate when I see people just sit on their little soap boxes proclaiming how those people are sick, and they don't deserve children, and how horrible they are. Do you know them? Do you truly know their situation? DO you have the ability to be compassionate? Do you understand that even though those people hit a bump, the reality is they are just as good as you are? Can you for a second consider the pain their mother must be in? HER CHILDREN WERE JUST TAKEN AWAY!

Not everyone is so lucky to have an easy life. Personally, my life has been rough. I have compassion for people, I can understand how things can get messed up. The article here  points out that a little cleaning was needed, it didn't say the home was filthy and unlivable, it doesn't say the children had been beaten, or that they weren't cared for. It doesn't say they had been living in a home with a dead body for days, or weeks ... for all you know the old man had simply committed suicide or died of natural causes right before the police were called.

Obviously there aren't any Christians among the people and their hate filled comments. They can't understand that no one is less than they are. It breaks my heart to see so many people cast their stones at those suffering. I wonder how often others have cast their stones at them.

I leave with disgust.

Happy Holidays.

The Truth Is ...

I am having a really bad day. So much guilt ... but not deserved guilt. I have done NOTHING wrong.

I can't fill in every tiny detail, so let me out line a few things.

1. Post Ian break up, I found out what a truly terrible person he is. I dodged a bullet, but not everyone is so lucky. I've uncovered this web of deeply injured people. My heart twists and aches for them. I don't know them personally, I haven't gone to see them, and the reality is, I may never see them either. I still feel this over whelming sense of responsibility. I don't know why, maybe because I believed a mountain of lies, maybe because I know how hurt they are, maybe because if I'd known the truth, I could have done something. I know I did what I could with what I had at the time, but my heart knows I could have done more.

2. The MONSTER has filed court action against me. Contempt. WHY? Because I used presidents day, my holiday as so stated in Indiana Guidelines. Washy attends a preschool as a student of our school district. His schooling is dictated by the district, it's paid for by them, he is transported by them, and he follows the districts school schedule. The ex decided that HE gets to dictate the school schedule, the ex who has no custody rights. I filed my own contempt motions in return, motions that are actually contempts, and filed a motion to modify visitation. I am sick and tired of his petty little games, he needs micro managed, and I don't have time for it. I'm not going to be drug into court because he doesn't like the guidelines. My answer, KILL THE GUIDELINE PARENTING TIME. He doesn't use them anyway. He hung himself in filing that contempt, the judge, after receiving all of my motions, is none too happy. Honestly, neither am I.

3. I am fully dependent on God to get through everything. Yes, that's what you are supposed to do, but right now, I'm not supporting my own weight at all. I have no control over anything that gets to me. It's not a great feeling, especially since I have become freed. I feel awkward, though I can't do anything but hang in there. Know why people drink? These situations! No, I'm not drinking, I don't like alcohol, but I completely understand why some people do!! Yikes!

Life is tough right now. Still I see some good things. I have some good friends to lean on, I have a great church, and some pretty close church family. I'm trying to keep my own family out of my current mess, we have some family matters going on, and as a family we need to focus on those things. I want to make clear that my problems are NOTHING when compared to the problems we are facing as a family. TWO of my nieces have things going on, I love those girls, more than I love myself I love them. I would give everything I have to make their situations go away. I can't though, it wouldn't help, so I'm praying for them and cheering them on, because I can do that.

My boys are doing great, my big kids are doing great, my ex husband and his wife and their ity bity baby are doing great. In some instances I am blessed. I hold on to the blessings I have, because they are the rainbow in my storm. God himself is holding my head above water, and I know it's the best I can ask for today.

I have started taking my 5htp again. For those who don't know, it's a natural supplement for depression. I feel myself slipping, and until I'm level again, it's back on the pills and back into the counseling! I refuse to live sadly! I must smile, I must rise, I must continue living my life, and no situation is worth suffering. As for the rest, I know God has it, and God will deal with everything.

Happy Holidays!!

Tainted Love

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sorry, I had some things to figure out and some thoughts to put together.

Where to begin ...

Just gunna stand there and watch me burn? That's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gunna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright because I like the way you lie, I love the way you lie.

That's a song, NOT reality.

I broke up with Ian. Let me tell you all something, many of you have been with me for years, through an abusive marriage, through a terrorizing divorce, through years of rehabilitating myself, and into beautiful life as I know it today. Everything has been very real, and it was extremely hard. Never do I want to live that again. I learned the hard way, it wasn't for me.

Things with Ian were going great! He was so kind, and so respectful, and I truly enjoyed the happiness I had found. ONE single statement from him flung me back and snapped me into reality again. "You will do what you are told." Followed by, "It doesn't matter what I do, you will never leave me."

Hi, my name is Brooke, I don't believe we have met sir.

That wasn't the immediate end. I wanted to see if I could have possibly been mistaken. I wasn't, he had found himself comfortable, and believed his statements to be true I guess. He started talking about mean things he had done to his children, and when my Washy was sleeping in my saucer chair, then said he was going to "tip him out of the chair." I fucking came unglued. "Don't even fucking joke about doing bull shit to my kid!" No really, fuck with my kids and I turn into the devil.

Lots of things came out of his mouth, lots of things pissed me off. He tried to take one of my pills so he could "snort it", when I said "no, they are prescribed to me, for ME to take ONE ORALLY every 6 hours as needed for pain." He decided to call ME  a pill head. *Can I get a fuck you?*

Washy likes to pray, he prays a lot. My favorite prayer he says is "Dear God, Help my mom, Amen" Well he said his little prayer, and Ian said to him "There is no God and Jesus was dead." FUCK THAT! Fuck that! NO! NO NO NO! Mother fucker do not talk like that to MY CHILD EVER ... NEVER EVER EVER! I quickly corrected him, to which he looked me in the eye, and repeated his nasty shit to me.

Then he got stuck here, God himself was driving it home. I have never in my life been so happy to see a plow truck. GO HOME! GO HOME! GO HOME! While you are there, do me a favor and DON'T COME BACK.

After the fact, I learned 3 important facts. 1. My friends didn't like him. 2. My family didn't like him. 3. My children didn't like him. It's all good, turns out I didn't like him either.

In the days since, he's sent me text messages, none of which are kind. I'm not too sure why he continues to text me, my decision is made, and I can't reason changing my mind, especially with the outpouring of such wonderful name calling and put downs. You know, I'm such a bitch for breaking up with him because he wasn't right for me.

It's fine though, I am on to better things, as I have been searching for more good to add to my life. I Thank God for the lessons I have learned, and for giving me strength and understanding. I'm glad he allows me to make choices for myself. I get to take my lessons, and apply them to my life, I get to see what I have learned, and watch it work for me. All the times I asked me, "God, why me?" I get clear answers to now. If it wasn't for yesterday, there couldn't be today. Without my faith, I would have nothing. I would be broken, and I would keep following the same patterns that hurt me.

There is something wonderful waiting for me in this life, and I will certainly get it. I think that God first had to be sure that I was ready for it, and would appreciate it. I hope I did as I was supposed to do, and I feel as though I did.

With this, I turn the page. The rest is still unwritten.

Happy Holidays!

ECHO ECHo ECho Echo echo ....

I am sorry, I have been neglecting my blog. A lot has been going on. Still, I'm just going to focus on today.

It was a busy one! Work was ... work. I love my job ... but if one more NASTY BITCH throws a bloody ass pad in front of the toilet, I just might FUCKING SNAP! :)

I had my consult with the oral surgeon. I will have surgery February 12 at 9:30 AM. They are going to put me out, I thanked him kindly! I have 2 teeth that will need to be surgically removed. I fear nothing! Except for 2 teeth being surgically removed. I mean, with all the available technology, can't they just wave a magic wand and wish them out?????

I joined the biggest loser contest at work. Today was the first weigh in ... I weighed DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! It is all good though, I'm hoping by the end I way LOOK THE FUCK OUT!!

I'm taking this contest super seriously. I want to win. Plus, let's face it, I could stand to lose some weight. I have 6 sodas hidden in my room. I'm going to let them stay there, and use them for my special treats. If I don't eat the 3 boxes of samoas I have, and the other 6 boxes I have coming, all in one sitting, I will have one soda on Friday night. Soda is my vice! I LOVE SODA! BRING ON THE PEPSI!! I did pretty good today, I did not eat any samoas, but I sadly watched as my children at them in front of me. MMMM girl scout cookies!

I had a piece of chicken, a salad, and a bottle of dasani for dinner. The reality is, I don't enjoy food anyway. I like girl scout cookies, but I'm never really hungry. My appetite has seemingly died since Friday.

Oh I so did not want to talk about this, but I feel that maybe I should. Realistically, my heart is hurt greatly.

As you all know, I have this boyfriend. He is WONDERFUL! I do love him. However, there is a problem. He is battling some pretty serious depression. I wasn't aware, like at all. The weekend though, he let it out. Not just by telling me that he's medicated, but he me inside his thoughts, and they are terrifying. By the end of the weekend, I was an emotional mess. I did what I could while he was here.

He was supposed to move in, but he decided he couldn't do it. Which, is fine. I don't mind. He spent HOURS on the phone with his child's mother, his ex. Arguing. He lied, over and over. "I'm not with anyone, I'm alone!" Uh, yea, I was literally 6 feet from him. I do not see a reason for him to lie to her. They aren't together, she is with someone else, she's actually in the process of moving in with the guy ....

AHHHHH!

So, when things calmed down, I told him that it is clear he is not over her, and I am not sure what business I have being any part of his life. I just don't.

While all this is going on, I'm not happy, and bracing myself to just end this, and he gets upset, he crumbles. I stay my normal self, outside I'm a rock, inside I'm dying.

I knew a new relationship would be hard, but like this hard? I don't know if it's normal, but it's nearly impossible to cope with. I question my ability to have a relationship. Is it me? I have so many things to think about.

On top of that, he's in a bit of legal trouble. Nothing serious, just poor choices. Still, it's aggravating. There is just so much going on. I don't know, I just don't know. It's a struggle. I guess I will kick back and see what happens. It's difficult.

Now, it's late, and I'm tired, and emotionally exhausted.

Happy Holidays!