The Truth Is ...

I am having a really bad day. So much guilt ... but not deserved guilt. I have done NOTHING wrong.

I can't fill in every tiny detail, so let me out line a few things.

1. Post Ian break up, I found out what a truly terrible person he is. I dodged a bullet, but not everyone is so lucky. I've uncovered this web of deeply injured people. My heart twists and aches for them. I don't know them personally, I haven't gone to see them, and the reality is, I may never see them either. I still feel this over whelming sense of responsibility. I don't know why, maybe because I believed a mountain of lies, maybe because I know how hurt they are, maybe because if I'd known the truth, I could have done something. I know I did what I could with what I had at the time, but my heart knows I could have done more.

2. The MONSTER has filed court action against me. Contempt. WHY? Because I used presidents day, my holiday as so stated in Indiana Guidelines. Washy attends a preschool as a student of our school district. His schooling is dictated by the district, it's paid for by them, he is transported by them, and he follows the districts school schedule. The ex decided that HE gets to dictate the school schedule, the ex who has no custody rights. I filed my own contempt motions in return, motions that are actually contempts, and filed a motion to modify visitation. I am sick and tired of his petty little games, he needs micro managed, and I don't have time for it. I'm not going to be drug into court because he doesn't like the guidelines. My answer, KILL THE GUIDELINE PARENTING TIME. He doesn't use them anyway. He hung himself in filing that contempt, the judge, after receiving all of my motions, is none too happy. Honestly, neither am I.

3. I am fully dependent on God to get through everything. Yes, that's what you are supposed to do, but right now, I'm not supporting my own weight at all. I have no control over anything that gets to me. It's not a great feeling, especially since I have become freed. I feel awkward, though I can't do anything but hang in there. Know why people drink? These situations! No, I'm not drinking, I don't like alcohol, but I completely understand why some people do!! Yikes!

Life is tough right now. Still I see some good things. I have some good friends to lean on, I have a great church, and some pretty close church family. I'm trying to keep my own family out of my current mess, we have some family matters going on, and as a family we need to focus on those things. I want to make clear that my problems are NOTHING when compared to the problems we are facing as a family. TWO of my nieces have things going on, I love those girls, more than I love myself I love them. I would give everything I have to make their situations go away. I can't though, it wouldn't help, so I'm praying for them and cheering them on, because I can do that.

My boys are doing great, my big kids are doing great, my ex husband and his wife and their ity bity baby are doing great. In some instances I am blessed. I hold on to the blessings I have, because they are the rainbow in my storm. God himself is holding my head above water, and I know it's the best I can ask for today.

I have started taking my 5htp again. For those who don't know, it's a natural supplement for depression. I feel myself slipping, and until I'm level again, it's back on the pills and back into the counseling! I refuse to live sadly! I must smile, I must rise, I must continue living my life, and no situation is worth suffering. As for the rest, I know God has it, and God will deal with everything.

Happy Holidays!!