It's My Birthday! I'm So Old!

Today, 35 long years ago ... the most incredible thing happened to this world. I WAS BORN! 7 pounds and 4 ounces of fire and fury! The years have passed, no more bottles, and colic. No more pooping and peeing my pants. My mind has grown, my body has grown, gravity is taking it's toll on my ass. Still, I look at myself and think "LIFE!" I love being alive. Breathing, thinking, feeling, and planning ahead. I don't know what the future holds, but I sure can't wait to find out! 

I'm sad today too though. By now, My Aunt Mary would have called singing Happy Birthday. Though my ears would ache, because though she was totally jamming out, it was so loud, I would listen, and thank her, and we would talk about a million and one things. I always knew she would call, and her call could quite possibly be the only call I would get. My outside smiles, my inside is broken. Suddenly I realize how crappy my cousins birthday was. 

My cousin and I, our moms are identical twins, our dads died 5 days apart, hers first, and then mine. Our feelings were very much the same, and it was impossible not to know how she was feeling immediately. This time though, I guess it took a little bit of time, my processing of the loss of my Aunt has been slow because of how I've had to be the tough one. Today seems not to be so meaningful. There is just so much missing. 

I think in my family, birthdays are more for the parents, and the people that love you. Yes, you are a year older, but for these people who have watched you grow from a helpless little person, to the horse pulling the cart, they see their blood, sweat, and tears pay off. The people who matter most, just aren't here anymore. I tell you the one thing I know for sure, I do not want to face the upcoming holiday, AT ALL! I'm so tired of everything changing. 

At this point, I've been through nearly an entire box of tissues. My baby is standing up on my bed making swooshing noises, pretending to be a power ranger. He's the only child I have at home, the other 2 boys are with my family for fall break. The family wanted them, I needed the break from their fighting and whining, and I knew I wouldn't be up for dealing with too much today anyway. I would have let them take my little one too, but he doesn't do well sans Mommy. He isn't happy to be without me. I'm cool with it, I know it won't last forever. Sucking it up while I can! 

Even though I'm even older today, I have SO MUCH TO DO. First grocery shopping WHAT A WAY TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY! I'm buying a damn cake, believe that! I guess I better get on things, I'm wasting my day being a big baby. 

Have a super day everyone, and if you get the chance, I need life alert. You never know when one will fall and break a hip in the shower ....