Where Have I Been???

I've neglected my blogging. What can I say single mom life doesn't always leave time! Sorry!!

Now, let me fill you all in on life.

 I'm still single. Can you see my smile? It's there, believe that! My children continue to grow, and continue to learn, and continue to be in my face at every opportunity. You know, KIDS!!

Towards the end of summer break, my Aunts health took a strong dive. After a month of trying, and doctors doing everything they could, her CHF won. On September 11, we said our final earthly good byes to her. I learned 2 things that day. The sound of a flat lined heart monitor is torture, and I can displace my suffering and appear to be a rock for others in every necessary circumstance.

The memorial service was wonderful. Lots of family I hadn't seen in so long were there. I got to share some great stories about my Aunt that made people smile and laugh. I was very close to my Aunt. We spent lots of time together, and my 8 year old, we shared. She was his Mare Mare, I still remember when she was MY Mare Mare. The best things in life are handed down they say, I can assure you, in this case they were right.

It's so hard to let go of someone you can't imagine life without. It was a hard decision for my family. People often lash out when they are in pain, to avoid this, and keep stress off my cousin, as a family we made the painful decision to stop trying to force her to live. We had done everything we could, the doctors had no more options, and one very rude doctor actually walked into our room and stated she'd be gone that day anyway. We wanted her to be comfortable, and be at peace, and so we all agreed to a D.N.R. we stopped all the IV drips, we turned off the bipap, and in less than an hour, we lost the glue that held us together.

Death is ugly, and beautiful at the same time. Our family crumbled together, and we picked each other up.

We made all the necessary calls, and the family from other places began to arrive. Seeing them helped us through what we now had to do. We had a family meeting to decide on the services, to hear what others would be comfortable with, to inform them what we could do. We chose cremation, and a memorial service at her favorite fishing spot.

At her memorial service, we had a chance to share stories about fun times with Mary. People were so somber, the stories just weren't coming, but I have a million stories, I spent tons of time with her, heck I moved here because she said she needed my help. I was pregnant with My 6 year old at the time, about 3 months pregnant when I came. So I shared a story about a time that my huge Benny Belly caused Mary to pee her pants. We couldn't pass each other in the hallway, and she was heading for the bathroom, and I was heading for the kitchen, and he bright idea of each of us turning sideways was a terrible idea in reality, and when we became stuck, she started laughing, and then through her laughter "God damn it, I pissed my pants!"

After her service, our family from other places had to leave. After they were all gone, the pain of loss set in. I went back to my house, with my children, walked in the door, and grabbed my phone. I sat it back down, sent the kids to their rooms, and I crumbled. It was the first time I couldn't call Mary and let her know that we made it home safely. It was the moment I realized I no longer knew what my place in the world was. I called my cousin, and we talked on and on. Which now, we do daily. We have only each other now. It's up to us to make a new glue, and get through life, and keep our children in good places.

We are doing fine. Our children are closer, as are we. My Aunt was the glue that held us together, and now her memory lets us see how important we are to each other. She left us new glue, she gave us strong bonds. The coming months will be grueling, the holidays are coming, and we will have no choice but to survive them.

With that I will pull this to an end. I will hopefully be able to keep up with the blog better, hopefully be posting once a week. May you all be blessed, and keep your families close.