I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sorry, I had some things to figure out and some thoughts to put together.
Where to begin ...
Just gunna stand there and watch me burn? That's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gunna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright because I like the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
That's a song, NOT reality.
I broke up with Ian. Let me tell you all something, many of you have been with me for years, through an abusive marriage, through a terrorizing divorce, through years of rehabilitating myself, and into beautiful life as I know it today. Everything has been very real, and it was extremely hard. Never do I want to live that again. I learned the hard way, it wasn't for me.
Things with Ian were going great! He was so kind, and so respectful, and I truly enjoyed the happiness I had found. ONE single statement from him flung me back and snapped me into reality again. "You will do what you are told." Followed by, "It doesn't matter what I do, you will never leave me."
Hi, my name is Brooke, I don't believe we have met sir.
That wasn't the immediate end. I wanted to see if I could have possibly been mistaken. I wasn't, he had found himself comfortable, and believed his statements to be true I guess. He started talking about mean things he had done to his children, and when my Washy was sleeping in my saucer chair, then said he was going to "tip him out of the chair." I fucking came unglued. "Don't even fucking joke about doing bull shit to my kid!" No really, fuck with my kids and I turn into the devil.
Lots of things came out of his mouth, lots of things pissed me off. He tried to take one of my pills so he could "snort it", when I said "no, they are prescribed to me, for ME to take ONE ORALLY every 6 hours as needed for pain." He decided to call ME a pill head. *Can I get a fuck you?*
Washy likes to pray, he prays a lot. My favorite prayer he says is "Dear God, Help my mom, Amen" Well he said his little prayer, and Ian said to him "There is no God and Jesus was dead." FUCK THAT! Fuck that! NO! NO NO NO! Mother fucker do not talk like that to MY CHILD EVER ... NEVER EVER EVER! I quickly corrected him, to which he looked me in the eye, and repeated his nasty shit to me.
Then he got stuck here, God himself was driving it home. I have never in my life been so happy to see a plow truck. GO HOME! GO HOME! GO HOME! While you are there, do me a favor and DON'T COME BACK.
After the fact, I learned 3 important facts. 1. My friends didn't like him. 2. My family didn't like him. 3. My children didn't like him. It's all good, turns out I didn't like him either.
In the days since, he's sent me text messages, none of which are kind. I'm not too sure why he continues to text me, my decision is made, and I can't reason changing my mind, especially with the outpouring of such wonderful name calling and put downs. You know, I'm such a bitch for breaking up with him because he wasn't right for me.
It's fine though, I am on to better things, as I have been searching for more good to add to my life. I Thank God for the lessons I have learned, and for giving me strength and understanding. I'm glad he allows me to make choices for myself. I get to take my lessons, and apply them to my life, I get to see what I have learned, and watch it work for me. All the times I asked me, "God, why me?" I get clear answers to now. If it wasn't for yesterday, there couldn't be today. Without my faith, I would have nothing. I would be broken, and I would keep following the same patterns that hurt me.
There is something wonderful waiting for me in this life, and I will certainly get it. I think that God first had to be sure that I was ready for it, and would appreciate it. I hope I did as I was supposed to do, and I feel as though I did.
With this, I turn the page. The rest is still unwritten.
Happy Holidays!
