2014 In Review

Wow!! What a year this has been  ... let me give you a run down of MY year !

January 17, 2014 - My divorce from the monster is finalized! I feel great, I can finally move on with my life, without any more abuse!! The choice for me? MONSTER FREE!!

February 2014 - My sweet little Jam turns 6! He's in kindergarten, and having a REALLY hard time with letter recognition. The school suggests we start him in the reading program, because if he can't recognize the alphabet, he won't be able to read.

March 2014 - The order for Grandparent visitation is terminated, but left as a stipulation because on the day of the hearing to terminate, MONSTER is in jail, per usual. Since he spends so much time as an inmate, the order will stand IF and WHEN he is incarcerated, otherwise the order is dead in the water.

April 2014 - My youngest daughter turns 10, though she acts 20. She looks like me more and more every day!

May 2014 - Monster, angry that he is had on contempt once again, files contempt against me because Indiana Guidelines doesn't give him a visit in May 2014, little does he know, it won't give him a visit in May 2015 either ...

June 2014 - The judge posts 2 court dates. monster purgers himself at the first, and is found in contempt, he is found in contempt at the second date too. No contempt stands against me, as I have followed Indiana Guidelines.

July 2014 - Monster is able to get me confused and takes my July 4th holiday. It's all good though, I will just take his next holiday. My Aunt turned 56 July 23 and though her health isn't the greatest, she seems to be getting better. We have a birthday party for my Aunt, and my oldest daughter, who will turn 12 July 30.

August 2014- Jay stays with my Aunt until the day before school starts, they had a great summer. The night she drops Jay off, she goes home, and then heads to the hospital. She will be there for the last time, we are currently unaware how serious her condition is. She goes into a rehabilitation hospital, where her health will deteriorate. My oldest son turns 16!!

September 2014 - My Aunt can't hold down any food. She vomits anything she can swallow right back up. The original hospital punctured her bowel while draining fluid from her because of her kidney failure. They have caused a massive infection in her blood. She's hanging in there, but in the middle of the night on September 10 her heart rate skyrockets to nearly 200 bpm. I am called at 5:45 AM and ordered to the hospital. I get the boys to the sitter so they can go to school without telling them anything. We decide the children need to come, and so after school, I leave the hospital, I get the kids, taking Jam and Washy to my cousins and dropping them off and return to the hospital with Jay so that he can spend some time with Mare Mare. He is there a few hours before she demands me to take him out. When I return to the room from taking him to the waiting room, she is gasping for air, and telling us she can't breathe. In a few hours, our family will consent to a DNR, we send Jay to my cousins, we stop the medications keeping her alive, and she leaves us, sad, broken, and confused. We will always miss you Mare Mare.

October 2014 - We will begin celebrating our birthdays without our glue, first my cousin and then myself. It's difficult, but we persevere. A little bit older, a whole lot closer, and how did we learn so much???

November 2014 - Jay turns 9 and Washy turns 5. My babies are growing up SO FAST!!! Thanksgiving is  blast, our family has a great day, and though she isn't there, we can feel my Aunt in all of our activities. At the end of the night, we have some down time to remember her.

December 2014 - I am granted sole custody of Joshua after nearly a year of dealing with a mountain of crap from the monster. He loses all. Christmas goes off without a hitch!! It's a wonderful time, with family and framily. The kids get wonderful gifts, and enjoy time with family. We don't have as much fun as we did at Thanksgiving, Christmas without a loved one is always a hard pill to swallow, but we survive.

And now there is today. December 28, 2014. I am so grateful for the last year. I grew, I learned, I grieved, I returned to church, I began a relationship with a great guy that respects me and my boundaries(which is why I have yet to really talk about him OR introduce him to anyone) and life is going forward, full speed head!! It wasn't an easy year, I was tested consistently, but I held it together, kept a smile on my face, and increased in happiness. I look forward to ending this year and beginning the next.

With this I say farewell to 2014, and wait patiently for the new year to come! It can only get better from here!

Love and peace to all who read!!

Meme Time

I have a few meme's to share before I head off to work ....

That's right, my awesome is so loud I can't hear any shit!! 

He does, the meme is proof!!

Chuck Norris says I don't have to! 

That's right! 

Just. Because. I. Can.

Be blessed today! Smile! Laugh! Love! Most importantly, LIVE!! You only have one shot at this life, so do it well! Be happy, don't worry about what others think! God has you in his hands, he has a plan for you! 

xoxoxoxo

Brooke

What A Merry Mess!!

THREE days until Christmas! It's the most wonderful time of the year indeed.

I have thrown away EVERY TOY in my house, we need room for the new stuff. I have hidden 2 tablets for my girls, they don't know they are getting them, even though they beg for tablets all the time. I keep saying, "Your dad said no, he thinks you are too young." He did say that, last year. He knows they are getting them, so he hasn't broken his act.

At least one of my ex husbands isn't a fool!

Oh yea, I have TWO ex husbands. Who knew that? My first husband, we get along, always have, we just didn't do well together. He wanted to buy them ipads. I said NO!!! Let me buy them some cheaper tablets first, you know, to make sure they do well before I let him dump hundreds on ipads for them.

Tomorrow night is going to be fun. We will be watching into the storm on pay per view. I've been dying to see it, so have my girls!! We have to start our baking tomorrow too. I have to stop and get pies, and oh yea, sweet potatoes, on my way home from work. My job doesn't give much time off for a holiday, you get the holiday, and that is it. Not complaining, some people don't even get that.

I'm totally enjoying having my oldest son home for the week. He's a little demanding to the little boys though. Making them preserve his "seat" on the couch, and getting him pudding cups ... in a year, he will be an adult. I hope that as an adult, he still finds time for Mom at Christmas. Is it sad that when facing the reality of children becoming adults, that is my fear?

I've been having an entertaining conversation with Ian all day long. He is simply a patient guy, putting up with me fumbling around and dragging my feet. He never complains either, he just lets me do what I do, and doesn't mind waiting. There isn't a pressure to hurry up, and for me that's perfect, I don't like to feel rushed. He does know he isn't expected to wait around, he is free to move on if he feels like it, but for whatever reason, he doesn't. Maybe he's more of a keeper than I'm aware, time will tell.

Ok my mind is really all too scattered, I can't hold a thought together, all the excitement of the on coming holiday keeps flying through my brain! I can't write!! I hope you each have a great Christmas, and if you have parents, love them! Hug them! Kiss them! Thank them! Enjoy your holiday with them, one day, much like me, you'll spend these holidays without them.

Merry day before, the day before, the day before Christmas!

Why Atheists Celebrate Christmas ...

Alright, so here is the deal. My douche bag ex husband trolls my blog. HELLO JARED! I hope you are enjoying my words. Ass hat.

Next.

Jared posted on facebook, in his normal asshole tone, asking why atheists celebrate Christmas. So Since he trolls here, and is about as knowledgeable as an Atheist when it comes to these things, I'm going to break it down. Based solely on things I know.

Christmas is a commercial holiday. The majority of people celebrate SANTA CLAUSE on Christmas. Not Jesus, not the birth of Christ, but Santa, the jolly fat man with his eight tiny reindeer, and countless elves living in the North Pole. HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! The majority of CHRISTIANS fall into this category too. Including you, Jared.

The majority of the WORLD POPULATION is not Christian in faith, and yet Christmas is celebrated by the majority anyway. Not the Jew's though, who by the way, are GOD'S chosen people.

No one knows WHEN Jesus was born. Christmas prior to 313 AD (roughly) wasn't celebrated by Christians at all, rather, December 25 was a PAGAN Holiday, celebrating the birth of the unconquered sun. In that time somewhere, Roman Emperor Constantine decides to take December 25 and make it Christmas.

That' just a little historical back drop. You said you don't celebrate Pagan Holidays?? I'm confused.

While you go half cocked, making snide remarks about self centered people, you show your own colors. It's not YOUR God, it's EVERYONE'S God, stop with the ownership crap. You don't OWN anyone, and you certainly don't own GOD. Who are YOU to tell people they don't have any right to celebrate a man made holiday?

"Self centered people make for the worst kind of Christians." YOU said that .. um so you already then are aware of what you are right?

Let me tell you, from God loving perspective, it doesn't matter WHAT you believe. The fact of the matter is, because there is Christ in Christmas, be you to believe or disbelieve, you have to put a little thought into it this time of year. It's enough to plant the seed.

Don't listen to people that are foolish and find it their place to pass judgement on you, to tell you it's "Their" Holiday, for "Their" Savior, it isn't truth, and they don't speak love. They with their hate, are the reason so many stray and never return. Why would anyone want to come and deal with such selfish, uncaring, cold, and mindless?

If it makes you feel better, Mr. Christian better than the atheist, engages regularly in adultery. He enjoys married women. God doesn't. God doesn't like a lot of what the foolish do. He shouldn't celebrate Christmas as his actions are spitting in the face of the Christ who died for him.

May you all celebrate Christmas, and may no one put you down before it. If it's the only time of year that Christ lovingly comes from your mouth, you are blessed by it.

I hope you enjoy this blog post Jared. You sound as stable as you appear in reality, and only an absent minded fool would agree with your shameful spouting. Find God sir, worry not about others for you are none better.

PEACE!!!  

Peace!

Major changes have occurred in the last 24 hours. I now have SOLE LEGAL AND PHYSICAL CUSTODY of Washy. Good news for my boy, finally control has been removed from his father.

I'm a little sad though, I admit. I wanted wonderful things for my son. Wouldn't it be great if his father was interested in being a parent? Sadly, that isn't the case. He made so many excuses in court, the divorce was finalized 11 months ago, we have been separated for nearly 3 years, yet he called this "still fresh". No, it is NOT  something new, this is old stuff. If it's so "fresh" for him, why is he dating a married woman? Why is he insisting on taking my son around a married woman? Why does he pawn his child off on other people during his 4 days a month? Why such a lack of interest in parenting?

None the less, I have been awarded what I requested. Everyone is happy, short of ex, as he has lost control. What he fails to realize, is that he has lost control. His thought is "not during MY time." I make Washy's decisions, all of them. Yes, he gets his 4 days a month, but he has to respect and follow my decisions. Everything major to my sons life, school, doctors, religion, moral, emotional, upbringing, all my choice. He already protests my decisions, I don't care though, he doesn't have a voice in these matters anymore.

More changes are coming, Indiana Guidelines are no longer appropriate, and constant relocation and instability has been repeatedly demonstrated by the ex husband. As has aggressiveness and improper treatment of the 5 year old child.

I don't mind over nights, but no more than 4 a month should be necessary, I figure we can share holidays with me taking the first half and him getting an extra over night. The attorney will address the issue of him hiding the location of the child, leaving him with random people so dad can go to the bar, and refusing to provide proof that he has the child upon request.  She will also raise the issue that IPG grants visitation from 6 pm Friday to 6 pm Sunday, ex isn't available at 6 pm Friday, so I should NOT have to take Joshua, my other 2 children and myself out late at night to give ex his time. Not to mention that 9 or 10 at night is well past everyone's bed time. The fact that is was he choice to move far, it should have NEVER become my problem, more so since he moves EVERY 4 MONTHS ... give or take a few weeks.

It's never ending with this fool. Now, however, I have peace. He has zero control. He has to follow the rules. His church, which is a different religion than what we practice, will be receiving a call to let them know that Joshua is not allowed to attend. He needs to attend a church equal to his religion. I may make that phone call tomorrow, and clear this air quickly. I make religious choices. When a parent cannot control themselves, and is constantly abusive, this is the result.

I have had a revelation, I used to be non denominational Christian, prior to that, I was Lutheran,born and raised. I have always felt something missing though. There HAD to be more. Not everything could have happened in Jerusalem, and surrounding areas. What about the rest of the world? Indian's believed in God .. how would they know if they were here and everything happened there? I have decided, based on my own mind, my own faith, my own belief, the answer lies in the Mormon beliefs. There was more, things were happening here. Logical, and I have full faith. Now I'm not saying I agree with every little thing, some things I'm still unsure of. I think though, that I have found my place.

I just want to share, because for me, seeing kindness at its best, is a great thing. I see love, compassion, understanding, acceptance ... so much more than I have seen anywhere else. For the most part .. they simply follow Jesus. I like that. It makes me happy. It feels more realistic to me. I don't have to be frowned upon, I don't have to feel judged, I can act with grace, I can put my best foot forward. I feel freed.

I'm going to go now ... I feel like I should be doing something.

Be Blessed!

A Letter To My Niece.

Dear Butter Cup,

The day your Mom told me that I was expecting to become an Aunt, my entire world changed. I cried more than I care to admit. I was just so happy! I couldn't wait for you to come! I wanted a NIECE!! I prayed for a niece so much, and so hard, that a few months later I found out I was going to be a mom again, and I knew I would have a daughter AND a niece very close together.

My prayers were answered, one by one. In May a niece, in July a daughter.

The day you were born, I was huge, but still felt like I was walking on clouds. I looked at your sweet face and I fell in love, for the very first time, with the idea that there was a beautiful little girl, that I would one day give a crap ton of candy to, and not have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

I watched you grow, and watched my sister out do me at parenting sometimes. Don't let her know I told you that little part, it would give her an ego.

Your first word was Alex. Yep, your nearly 4 year old cousin. You loved him so much! He equally loved you. You guys were outside, and you were playing on your riding toy when you said it. My eyes still fill when I think about it.

I moved far away, and I miss you every day I don't see you. You have no idea how much I love you. I get so excited thinking about our visits. I love hearing from you!

I know, right now, life is hard for you. We love you though. No matter how badly you feel, even when we seem over bearing,  and get on your nerves. We need you in our lives, you sweet girl, are someone that can never be replaced. No one matters as much as you do.

You have grown into a beautiful girl, and at almost 13 are what I consider the PERFECT Niece. Everything I ever dreamed of times infinity. You're so smart, and so talented, and are just amazing. I brag about you to my Aunt friends, my niece has the voice of an angel and a face to match! They're all jealous because their nieces aren't as good as mine. *wink*

The only thing I want you to understand is that I understand life is hard. It's temporary though sweetie, things will get better. Everything that is swimming around your mind, it won't last forever. It isn't your fault, you can't help how you feel, but one day, not so far from now, you're going to feel happy again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, but believe me you will.

I'm worried about you, your mom is worried about you, and everyone who loves you is worried. We worry because we care. We want to help you. We want you to know and feel our love for you.

Christmas is coming!! I'm going to see you soon. As always I cannot wait! I just want to hug the head right off your body!

You can call me, your mom will let you use her phone to. I am ALWAYS here for you, distance and time never matter. I will drop anything I am doing if you need me, and please need me instead of allowing your feelings to control you!! I LOVE YOU!! I NEVER EVER IN MY LIFETIME WANT TO LIVE A DAY WITHOUT YOU! Please never give up.

Love and Hugs and Kisses!!!

Auntie Brooke

In The Mood For CHRISTMAS!

Christmas is quickly approaching!! Yay! I am SO READY!

The majority of my shopping is DONE! Between now and then, I'm sure the children will accumulate a few smaller gifts, but for the most part, I am ready!!

My girls are going to STOP COMPLAINING ...

Then my Oldest son is going to shoot stuff ... 

And the 6 year old will be with him ....

All while my 5 year old scoots around ... 

The 9 year old also got an air soft gun, but I didn't order it online, and didn't take a picture ... so yea. 

These are the special gifts I got them this year, the gifts I'm most excited about. I cannot wait to take the boys out to fire off their new guns! 

The boys are busy watching Rudolph's shiny new year on TV, it's also recording on the dvr. I have chicken in the oven baking, so dinner is preparing. I'm completely exhausted, but it's not even 5:30 so I have a while before bed time.

With all the boys getting guns for Christmas, I decided to buy one for "me" so I can teach them how these things should be used BEFORE they rip open guns that fire pellets, and avoid the great Christmas shoot out of 2014. 

I've already let them fire off a few rounds .. shooting at the poor unsuspecting tree out in our yard. The tree doesn't seem to mind having the pellets smack into it. 

My house is currently a mess. Tomorrow, I can't go out doing things after work, I need to come clean up the house in my 3 kid free hours. Luckily, it doesn't take long to clean my house, even when the toys are EVERYWHERE!! 

The coming weekend activities include Sugar cookies and pumpkin rolls! YUM YUM!! It's going to be a good weekend for my littles and I!! 

Guess I better wrap this one up, too much to do and not little time! May you all be feeling the spirit of the holidays! 

Missing!! PUDDING CUP!!

I had a chocolate pudding cup, I even put cool whip on top of it. I sat it down, because that's why. Now, it is GONE! I'm pretty sure the dog took it. STINGY DOG!

My weekend has been really calm. I got some extra sleep, and boy was that nice! I had some weird dreams though. Then I woke u with cat scratches on my right hand and wrist, and the kittens had knocked my glasses under the couch and spilled a can of soda I left on the stand, I was drinking it when I fell asleep watching tv.

I wake up, like where are m glasses?? I can't see anything without my glasses!! I have a serious squint going on as I search along the wall, remove couch cushions, looking everywhere. Then I check between the wall and sofa! FOUND THEM!! Damn cats! Why did they scratch me up?  Furry spawns of satan!

I had a dream that I was in my truck, and my boys kept getting out of their car seats. In my dream the car seats were made like those cheap ass doll strollers, but the bottom part of the seat had like card board in it. I totally balled them up and threw them. LOL! Cheap ass worthless car seats!

That reminds me, I need to call the sheriff about child seat laws, when I was in Ohio the law was easy, 4 and 40 pounds and then you needed no car seat. Indiana has different laws, and I have a 42 pound 9 year old .. *shrugs*.

I remember when I learned how to tie. My Aunt Virginia had tried and tried to teach me and I couldn't get it. Well it was winter, and Bobbie had a pink hat that had a ball on top and strings that tied under the chin. I was sitting on the floor behind my grandma's stand playing with the hat. Then I tied it! I was SO EXCITED! I jumped up and yelled "LOOK!! I DID IT!! I KNOW HOW TO TIE!!"

Teaching my boys to tie was so easy! I bought a shoe string book. The shoe String laced to the shoe in the book is half yellow and half purple. It has instructions on two different ways that properly tie a shoe, and there are pages that even teach how to lace. My children have went from completely not knowing, to being able to tie their shoes in 10 minutes. I love that book! Of course NOW that I need it so Washy can learn how to tie, it has been removed from the book shelf. The book fair is coming soon though, so I'll just buy a new one.

I decided after Christmas last year, I spent nearly $3000 on the children, this year would be FAR SMALLER. They will get 3-5 gifts each, and that is IT! One special toy, a book, snow boots, and maybe a few small things. All the kids are aware, and it's all because we have plenty of stuff. We actually need to rid ourselves of some things. I want to live a more simple life.

My thoughts are so scattered. It's the busiest time of the year you know. I just ordered 6 gifts, 2 for each boy, so now I feel I have accomplished something, I also have most the dishes washed up. I better get to my duties ... I have a vacuum that needs manned, so I have to go operate it.

May you all have scattered thoughts and be overly excited the Christmas season has begun!

Mi Vida es Aburrida.

So I'm sitting here minding my business, and Jam walks out. He begins talking to me about how late he stayed up last night. "twelve-fifty or maybe twelve-five, no twelve-ten. Well it was after eleven I think." He has no clue what time he went to sleep last night, but it's fine, he's 6! 8:30, 12:50, same thing right?

Then he says, "One time at school, my teacher told me to sit down, even though I wasn't being THAT bad, so I sat down and went to sleep at my desk." Jam is struggling this year with his first grade teacher, it's a mystery as to why, I guess they just don't really click. He thinks because they aren't in perfect harmony, he doesn't need to bother LISTENING to her, creating a few little issues. What he tries to do is submit complaints to Mom, thinking Mom will make sure he faces no consequences. Sadly my rules are, go to school, listen to your teacher, behave yourself, and do a good job.

I went to the school once, thinking the teacher was being nasty to my child. I was all feathers on, ax in hand, and let's do this. I found myself completely humiliated by MY CHILD'S behavior.

I TRULY think this meme speaks the truth. My child, made me look like a shitty parent. I am NOT a shitty parent. Sure, I could be better, all parents could be better. However, I'm far better than I feel I appeared at the teacher meeting. Jam is such a people pleaser, I didn't know what to say, he's never acted like this before.

We blamed his behavior on him. We agreed, should he continue to not listen to the teacher, he would get 2 warnings, and a third offence would get him sent to the time out room. That was in September, he was sent to the time out room one time, and has not been back. I was immediately notified that my child was sent to the time out room, he tried to hide in the hall way on the way too. Smarty pants knew I would find out if he went to that room, and he knew if he went there, when he got home, he would be in trouble for having to leave his classroom.

He came home, and he lost his tablet privileges and was sent to his room to sit in his solitude until dinner time. PURE TORTURE! You know what though, IT WORKED. He still has little attitudes at school, but one warning is enough. Yep, he has to go sit at his desk alone while the other children are doing something else, but I don't have to go back to school, I don't have to meet with his teacher, and I don't have to look like a bad parent. MOM WIN!!

My next grand adventure is meeting with Jay's teacher. She sends a behavior report every week. Occasionally he will get an O, which means he did not follow directions. He's a stubborn child, and he does have an "unspecified mood disorder", which pretty much means he suffers bipolar disorder, but since he is under 18, we DO NOT wish to diagnose him with it just yet. He tries his best, and has bad days. Treatment is VERY limited because of his size. I was too worried about the long term effects of abilify, and couldn't make it once a month to the psychiatrist to keep getting another month of pills. I would have to miss work, I would have to take points, and I would in the end lose my job because making appointments would point me out.

I recently found a new job, 5 days a week, 4 hours a day. I will still be able to work, and I will be able to get him hopefully back on medication. Hopefully he has grown enough and put on a little weight, gotten his blood pressure higher, and will be able to go on something OTHER THAN abilify. The O days will subside with medication. Until then, the teacher knows she will have to deal with the moods. She only marks him for it on his extreme days, when he will not even TRY.

Most of what I get for him are M's. M means late or incomplete homework. The problem is, HE DOESN'T BRING HOME ANY WORK!! He will say, "My teacher didn't give me any homework." I know he is lying, but with him not bringing it home, there is nothing I can do about it. So I have to meet with his teacher, so we can make a plan to deal with this. My boy is SMART. He knows what he is doing. He teaches me how to do his math, when he brings it home. His test scores are never below 95%. He gets two grades in math, one is tests and quizzes, one is homework. His quiz and test grade is an A- ... his homework score, a D!

For the record, I am not stupid, I know very well how to do math. I know 20 +50 =70. what I don't understand is the common core method of getting the answer, I learn that from my kid. Always remember, groups of ten people! It's 2 groups of 10 plus 7 groups of ten, not 0+0=0 and 2+5=7!
Just saying!!

Anyway, school issues get me down man! If I have to relearn high school algebra with these groups of ten, and find the value of x with groups of ten, I am in deep shit people, and I will be needing a tutor! They didn't teach me common core .... not even in college!

It's turning into a very quiet and boring day. The boys have taken to the WII, I've been thinking about putting thermometers in every room of my house. I know it sounds strange, but I want to make sure every room in my house is continuously 70, and the kitchen stays 112 because I'm baking all the time, you know, keeping it real. I spent yesterday making loaf after loaf of banana bread .... I still have to make at least 4 more. Or find a new way of using very ripe bananas. The boys don't like them frozen, and I have zero freezer room and so that is out anyway.

I bought 10 dozen eggs yesterday, giving me a heavy 12 1/2 dozen of eggs. Did you know you can FREEZE eggs? Yea, I need to create some room in my freezer to do so though, and I also need to boil at least 4 dozen ... possibly 6. Deviled eggs for thanks giving .. egg salad because sandwiches are good. I love eggs, I just fear we have WAY TOO MANY.

I'm going to attempt to make a pumpkin roll today too ... little nervous as I have never made on before. Wish me luck, if it's bad it's a whole lot of wasted time, and wasted food.

I have so much to do this week .. Beside the work and the kids, I HAVE to get to Plymouth I HAVE to get to the child support office, and because of a new job and new work schedule, I HAVE to reschedule dentist appointments, INCLUDING MY OWN. I think I'm scheduling a new one with a dentist CLOSER to my home. It will be easier getting someone to take and pick me up from my dental surgery if it is in the area.  I'm scared to death ... I know I'm going to be pretty messed up, 2 wisdom teeth have to be cut out of my head! OH MY GOD WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT???

It's ok, I'm ok, I'm going to be fine ... that's for my reassurance, not for yours!

Ok I need to get onto other things, sorry it's so boring today, but my life is boring today.

Definition Me!

I am a serial dater. I absolutely LOVE dating, I just don't love the idea of allowing anyone inside my life. I pay the bills, I make the rules, I make the decisions, I go where I want and when I want, and no one complains.

I can wear sweats all day long, make whatever I want for dinner, or whatever the boys will agree to eat, you know whatever. I can put my laptop on the kitchen table, and blog while I drink my coffee. I don't worry about being under anyone's influence or control. I'm HAPPY and to me that matters more than anything.

I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else, or making a miserable excuse for a person happy. Those things are impossible anyway! The great part is, I can say that, and not worry that I have just offended someone! (If that offends you, leave my blog!)

I am free to express myself, I can't be punished for the rights given to me by the constitution! Guess what? I SO ENJOY free speech! No one can punish me for it either! It's great! Can't touch me!!

That's right NO ONE CAN TOUCH ME! Oh yea. Doesn't sound like a moment to celebrate to everyone, but to the many who have been victim of domestic violence, it's something to eat cake over.

I do not believe in soul mates. I believe there might be someone I could potentially be involved with and tolerate for a period of time. I have yet to meet that person. I'm a tad bit crazy, but I make up for it in overwhelming AWESOME.

I'm a chunky girl, I don't really mind, but I'm getting super annoyed by knocking the lamp off my night stand with my ass, every night, just trying to get into bed. I'm also SHORT. 5'3 .. who the heck is responsible for creating beds that sit 4 feet off the floor? The least they could do would be to build in a step or two, you know. I wouldn't have bought it had I known I would need a harness and climbing hooks to get on it. Dicks.

There aren't many people that I don't like, but when I don't like someone, I really hate them. Now and then, I will hate someone as a matter of respect. For instance, Christen (one of my bitches) was talking to Ashlee (another of my bitches). I walked in mind conversation. Christen didn't like someone, as they had said something stupid about her. My reply? "Fuck that bitch, I hate her guts, she needs stomped out!" Who? I don't know, doesn't matter, I stand by my bitches!

I don't get along with my mother. I have a long list of reasons I could give, but as a child I expect my parent to love me and protect me. Not too much to ask, yet my mother can do neither. I'm not crappy about it, instead I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND WOULD DIE FOR THEM. I would give up my LAST BREATH just so they could TAKE ONE MORE. I'm a good mommy because I never got that.

I don't have a bucket list. I don't see the point. I have seen the faces of every one of my children the second they were born. It wasn't about beauty, it was, all about wiping that white shit off their faces. I have said good bye to breast feeding and shitty diapers. I feel my bucket list is complete, and now I'm in bonus time! THANKS GOD!! YOU'RE THE ULTIMATE ALMIGHTY!!

Dear Bobbie, I'm glad white people didn't kill all of your ancestors, it would suck to not have you as my cousin. White Bobbie wouldn't be nearly as good, she also wouldn't want to humiliate people who mistook her for being Mexican, because she'd be white, and white people don't have that problem.You also would not have had that native american father, and white dads are too uptight to buy 8 year old little kings and believe it was ok because the cans were smaller. Your dad rocked!

Even though this Thanksgiving will be hard, we have so much to be THANKFUL for. Turkey, ham, and deviled eggs are at the top of my list. As well as a wonderful tightly knitted closer than ever family. Temporarily we have fewer, but one day we will have so much more. I'm 10 years away from giving my (in 10 years) 26 year old son permission to start having children. For now, my fat ass is looking forward to eating WAY MORE than any human being should. YAY THANKSGIVING.

What if this is as good as it gets? It's fine with me, I don't want to brush my hair anyway!

And now you know, as much as I am willing to tell you, about me.

Calling You Out!

That's right, my panties are in a wad! This time though, I'm justified. It's not me, it's you.

Let me fill you in on what I do.

I'm a mom, I do the mom thing. I live FOR MY CHILDREN 26 days in a normal month. 4 days in a normal month, my children are off with other family. Some, dad, some aunts and uncles, some grandparents, and I do me those 4 days a month. At least that is how it should be.

Is it a problem for me? NOPE! I absolutely LOVE IT! My children are sometimes on my nerves, but most of the time pretty good short people.

I have this child, with my ex husband who I think is a complete moron. Lately, I've been trying to work with him more, be more fair when it comes to my child and his time, and include this loser in more of his life.

He complained REPEATEDLY, that it is MY FAULT that this child believes that his dad doesn't WANT to spend time with him. I felt that maybe it was, and so began to work on changing MYSELF so that the shitty parent could be more involved and the child wouldn't feel the way he does.

Then, it happened. The father who insists the child's feelings are the Mothers fault, gets a night in which he is free. Not working, just free time. Guess what happens?

HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIS CHILD, HE CHOOSES TO GO TO THE BAR INSTEAD!

The next day, I decide I should speak to him about how he is sending the message that he doesn't want to spend time with the kid, His reply? "I don't care about your opinion, I'm on a hot date."

SMH! SMH! SMH!!

He hasn't changed, he doesn't WANT to spend time with the child, he just wants ME to take the blame for HIS FAILURES!

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

I have been kind, I have attempted to assist him in BEING ANY TYPE OF RESPONSIBLE PARENT, it doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work is because he doesn't want to be a parent, he wants to be an inconvenience.

Next time he chooses to bring his crap to me, and whine about how things are my fault, he damn well better be WILLING to commit to parenting.

If the only thing you want to be to your child is a bi weekly warrior, keep your mouth shut about everything else. The way your child thinks of you has everything to do with what YOU show THEM. Take a moment, anyone with a child knows this is reality.

May your children be your priority, always.

When I Get Bored ...

I LOVE MEME'S!! So much humor exists in a good meme. I've not go a lot to do tonight, nothing on TV, except that show about gypsies. I want to be a gypsy! Looks fun! Well, except for the part where they try to marry off their 15 and 16 year old daughters. I'm not sure I could be kosher with that.

Back to the meme thing! I've gotten a few favorites.

I feel like this was made for the people that annoy me. Please!! Don't speak! LOL!

This one isn't so much a meme as it is a coffee cup specifically made for me. It must have been lost in the mail as it never made it here.

I really like this one!! THANKS OBAMA!! LOL!!

Well, I do live in Indiana. 60 one day, 20 the next. This is pretty accurate. 

This one I like to post on my friend Matt's wall. He's a meteorologist for one of our lovely local news stations, and when he starts spouting the s-word, I start making meme style threats! LOL!! I'm also going to start packing a super soaker and ice water during the summer when I know he is loafing around being a laker ... so when I see him .. payback for the s-word! HAHA! He is going to LOVE me come summer.

I'm going to taunt him like ...

HAHAHAHA!

For now though, all I can do is plot. Ah winter, I loath you!

May you all have a warmer day than I.

The Truth Is ...

We make our own choices and control our own lives.

Today, my day was family focused. I spent some time with my cousin, her husband, my niece and nephew, and my children. We had lasagna, birthday cake, and enjoyed spending time together.

I could have chosen to do many other things instead, but nothing makes me happier than my family. This is the kind of person I am. I think it makes me a better person than I would be otherwise.

Let me tell you the truth about things I'm over dealing with.

People that aren't like me, act as though I live my life to make people think I'm better than them, and then go on to say that I cause oh so many problems.

First of all, I live my life for myself, I do what I do to improve the lives of my children. I strive to show them that they can be happy and normal with only one parent. Is it ideal? No. However, my children are thriving, and that's amazing to me.

I don't concern myself with others. It's not a disregard, if someone needs help, I extend my hand to them. I have many friends because of the type of person I am. Caring, empathetic, and honest. If something is wrong, I try to help make it right.

Now, this said, I have had to make some very hard choices in my life. Choices have been made that hurt the feelings of other people. My brother's drug use made me choose to remove him from my life. My ex husbands violence, drug use, and alcoholism made me choose to remove him from my life. My mothers constant need to criticize me and put me down and blame me for her discomforts caused me to remove myself from her life. These choices initially hurt me, and the other people involved. How do they feel now? I don't know, I don't wish to bring them back, I see no changes from afar. I feel better now though.

Is it a bit harsh to cut people out? Yes. It is. That doesn't mean it wasn't necessary. The fact that cutting those people out gave me relief only proves that it was best for my own life. Do those people act out, become angry and blow up because of my choices? Yes, they have and occasionally still do. I figure, maybe, it's how they will heal from the hole I left.

People aren't replaceable. No matter how much it's denied, Your sibling and your mother are part of you, and you can't get another to replace them. Having your spouse tell you that you don't fit them, and having them file divorce is humiliating, and chances are the receiving party depended greatly on the other person. You know what though? If you constantly mistreat another person, eventually they will get tired, and they will leave you to live your life without them.

I'm mostly fine with my choices, I breathe easier, and my world grows a little larger every day.

There are people who do not like, and do not agree with my choices. That's OK! At the end of every day, my choices don't have anything to do with their lives, m choices have everything to do with my life.

I bet you are thinking "What about your children?" Let me tell you about my children, they are indeed touched by my choices, In the situation of my mother and my brother, well those people were never really involved with my children anyway. Birthdays and holidays, we really don't hear from those two people, and haven't really ever. A few times I tried to set aside the poor treatment of my mother, bringing her to my home for holidays. It literally made the holidays unbearable.

In the situation with the ex husband, there was a larger impact to my children. I, however, had to choose the lesser of the two evils. Time has gone by, and there has been some healing. Most of the healing has been for myself and my children, but the ex seems to be starting to heal as well. I think he finally understands that my choice to divorce him is not something I view as a mistake, and not something I regret at all. I thought about it for a long time before I actually did it, I tried to get him to stop the things he was doing, I tried to avoid it, but the day I filed, I knew it was the only way.

My hope is that he learned something from losing his wife and children. The poor treatment he shelled out every second of the day caused him to live an unstable life. 2 of the children that called him daddy he completely destroyed. In his attempt at revenge and punishing me, he denied the children, killing the relationship he had with them, causing them to see him for who he is rather than what they felt for him. I'm sure he thought that since he still loved them, when he felt like it they could just pick it up again. Now that he misses them, he is finding out, that isn't the case. The child that is his child often resists him, the child that is his loves his brothers, saw their pain, and changed how he saw his dad, just like the other 2 boys.

He has begun to see the boys again, letting them know he loves them and misses them. They speak to him a little bit, but they don't trust him. They don't say they love him, they don't say they miss him, and they don't forget what he's done to them. I do nothing, I let them lead me through this and what they want. I support my children and what they choose.

So, the truth is, that we are in charge of our own happiness. Our choices are something we own, our reality belongs to us. May you all be happy today!

The Political Complain.

"This country is going to hell!" THANKS OBAMA!

"Everything is so expensive!" THANKS OBAMA!

"We have to have health insurance and the cost is so high!" THANKS OBAMA! 

"Our economy sucks!" THANKS OBAMA! 

"I can't even find a job!" THANKS OBAMA!

"I have so many student loans!" THANKS OBAMA!

"Common Core sucks!" THANKS OBAMA!

"Schools don't serve food my kids like!" THANKS OBAMA!

Let me tell you, all of our complaints, are your own fault. Yes, we have a president, we have ALWAYS had a president. Good things happen, bad things happen, and you can't make everyone happy about anything ever. 

I got up this morning, turned the light on, and the light worked. Woke my children up for SCHOOL, handed them each CLEAN, FRESH CLOTHES, walked into the kitchen, popped a k cup in the Keurig and brewed a cup of coffee. I swung around, opened the refrigerator, pulled out the milk, grabbed a box of cereal, poured 2 bowls of cap'n crunch, called my children (who were in their room arguing) to come eat and hurry up because the BUS would be here soon. 

Breathe for 30 seconds.

They enter the kitchen, each eating HALF of the food in front of them, grab coats and book bags and run out the door to the awaiting school bus. I dump the uneaten cereal into the trash, toss the bowls in the sink, remember my coffee which is now cold, dump it out, brew a new cup, and sit down at the table. I open my laptop, which sat here all night, power it on, connect to the wifi, and check  my facebook to see what my friends and family are sharing. 

I grab my cell phone and pop open my weather app. 

I'm not cold, the heat is on. Few sips of coffee. My 4 year old enters the room. Handing my my I PHONE 5S, requesting I insert the password, he pops on YouTube, goes to the couch and cuddles up to watch videos about transformer toys. 

I turn back to the laptop, read a few articles, get bored, back to Facebook. The dog trots out, and knocks on the door. I let her out to make her pee's and poo's, fill her food and water dishes, let her back in. She takes a few bites of what they call dog food, a few licks of water, and runs to the living room to jump on the couch next to the boy, who continues to watch YouTube

THANKS OBAMA! 

You see, we live in a country, that no isn't perfect, but has far more luxuries than other countries. Yes, there are homeless, yes there are hungry, yes it's not fair, but it's a small percentage compared to other places. The average person has more than I do. I'm a single mom with 3 children to care for at all times. They have a home, heat, electricity, food, clean water, clean clothes, INTERNET, there are computers, tablets, phones, games, and a television with cable. We have a toilet, we've never had to dig a hole to do our potties in. 

Everyone is SO FOCUSED on what they don't have, and what they don't like, that they forget to be grateful for the tons of things they do have, and do like. No one appreciates anything. 

So next time you want to blame all the worlds problems on one man, think about all the things you could thank him for. After all, if he is guilty of all the problems, he is likewise guilty of all the enjoyable pleasures too. 

THANKS OBAMA! Have a great day! 

A Broken Moment.

***SAD POST***

Today, my Jaydizzle is 9. Normally we would be at my Aunts, having birthday cake. She loved having Jay's birthday parties. We'd gather at her house, and have a good time. Not this year though. This year we are at home, minus the center of our world, and I just don't know what to do.

My child is left with a huge void in his life and the one and only thing I can do is be heart broken for him.

Their relationship was special. My Aunt was like his other parent. His father, oh what a train wreck. Long story short, he isn't involved at all. His life has always been Mommy and Mare Mare, and now that's had to change.

I made him a cake like every year. I did a lot of special things for him yesterday, with the help of my ex husband. Sadly, it doesn't remove the problem today. Not that it could anyway, but what parent doesn't want to make a tough situation easier for their child?

I don't want my child to ache. I don't want his heart to be broken I don't want his whole life to have to change.

He now wants another parent. Not that he doesn't want me, but he wants a dad. You can't make these things up, and he's finding out the hard way. I can't create a second parent for him, and even if I could, he's only going to learn that there is no way to replace people that you love, and that ache will still exist.

I wish I could make all things good for him, but that is beyond the human ability. It sucks to watch my child suffer.

Another day, another struggle, and another area life needs improved.

The Difference A Day Makes.

As you know, I have this big pain in the butt ex husband. It's hard to deal with him, and as a result, hard to get along with him. We do have a child together though, and that brought me to a cross road which made me had to consider a lot of things.

Recently I realized I was being rather selfish with my child. I was making all these choices for him, and maybe it wasn't exactly my place. I read the parenting guidelines every time I question anything. I follow them to the best of my ability. I know that I am a better parent than my ex husband will ever be, this is a true fact, not a biased opinion. Maybe though, it isn't my job to be an overbearing mother simply because I know my abilities are better. I take these guidelines for parenting and apply them exactly to parenting time.

Here is where I haven't been right. He works second shift, I keep my son on his time while he works, and do not allow him to pick our son up on Fridays, because his schedule has him working until 11PM. Too late. 1 hour before bedtime I say, and our child's bedtime is 8 PM. If he gets off early, and it's after 7, too bad, you wait until 8 AM Saturday morning. I have been doing it wrong. The guidelines do say that, so legally I'm right, but emotionally I have caused a problem between my child and his other parent. This weekend, I put a stop to my own selfishness. Let me tell you about that ....

I got a message from my ex husband on Friday that said he should be getting off around 8, but he'd like to still pick our son up if I was ok with it.

Normally, I would say no, it's too late. However, this time, I stopped myself. Who am I to do this? Doesn't my son deserve to have a full weekend with his other parent? Is him being in bed by 8 PM on a night that isn't a school night, and won't require me to battle an overly tired beast, really that much of an issue? The simple answer is NO. Life doesn't need to run on a perfect schedule all the time So I said, Yes, that would be fine. He sent me a message at 8:45 PM saying he'd just gotten off, was it too late? I didn't hear the beep though, so a short time later he called. I said that I had just sent our son to bed, which was true, I assumed that things didn't go as originally planned and that the exchange would have to happen in the morning. That was kind of true, the plan didn't happen exactly right.

I got my child out of bed, and prepared him to go with his dad for the weekend, My son was ok with it, I was seeing him Saturday evening anyway for a wrestling event, which I will get to later. He decided then that he would come home Saturday. The guidelines say until Sunday, and so I told him that was up to his dad. He's only used to 1 night with his other parent, partly because of dad's schedule, and partly because of my selfishness.

When the ex husband arrived, Washy told him he was coming home tomorrow, and the ex husband said no. Washy had made up his mind though, but I once again reinforced that it was daddy's decision and he would be fine with daddy for 2 nights. They left. I wasn't selfish.

The ex husband had given me some tickets to a wrestling event, as he manages a wrestler, and he felt the boys would enjoy it. It was a kind act, and an act that helped me lose my own selfishness. I figured, I would take my boys to the show, and I would sit with Washy, and it would give him the mommy fix he needed to help him be happy with his dad for the remainder of the weekend. That was my plan.

When I got there Washy informed his dad he was going home with Mommy, he said this multiple times, but each time Daddy said no you are with me until Sunday. I didn't fight and argue, I didn't even think about it, this is time for Daddy and Washy.

An hour and a half into the event, Jay became over stimulated. Sometimes he has a hard time dealing with too many people and too much noise. So it was decided that we would leave the event early. I took Washy, who was demanding I take him home now, to the ex husband, so we could figure out if his mother would sit with Washy or if Washy would sit with Daddy, instead, the ex husband told me that if I wanted, I could take Washy home with me. Of course I snatched that chance up! I love having my son with me, at the same time I realize his Dad loves it too. I'm not sure why he let Washy have his way, maybe he didn't want the fiery fit in public. Maybe he wanted to go to the after party. Maybe he was trying to do the best thing he could and allow a slow transition into longer time.

I have to try to make the relationship between my child and his other parent easier. He will grow up and make up his own mind and create his own feelings for both of us, and I should do my best to make sure those opinions and feelings actually comes from what he learns from experience, not from what I teach him. I do not want to be "that mom."

Even though I hold a high opinion of my parenting standards, I do have room to improve, and for the best interest of my children, I need to do that. No one is perfect, but my hope is that I am so good that my children don't grow up and find huge gaps in areas I could have done better in.

May you all learn to continue growing, Good Night!!

Free The Beast!

Watching CBS this morning, sipping my coffee, lounging in my pj's, and Washy starts singing me a song. "I love mommy, mommy loves me!" I love his random songs. That, he gets from me. I love singing little made up tunes, I make them as I go. Doing dishes, sing a song about spoons, kids misbehaving, sing a song about their little deeds, Dog being overly needy, sing a song about not caving to her demands!

Ha ha ha! I love singing.

My absolute favorite song, to the tune of O Holy Night, is My Boys Fight. Ok so near Christmas, I'll have to make a video, I'm sure every parent with more than 1 child will be able to relate. It it also a little comical.

You know, it takes me sometimes several hours to write a blog, it's not that I'm a slow or choosy writer, it's just that things happen. My coffee cup runs dry, my dog needs out, a child needs something, I get a text message, I forgot to comb my hair, the neighbors dog is barking like it doesn't have any sense, basically, I get distracted.

So they have these new "eating mats" for kids. ez pz they are called. Well they keep having contests to win these mats, and I REALLY WANT ONE! Today they have a contest, to enter you need to post a picture of your messy kid.

My entry! LOL! Washy's 1st birthday! He was sooooo messy, he left a whole lot of cake in the tub when he was done! Even if I don't win, I love these pictures, and I love sharing them.

I like that one too ... my Oldest and my youngest boys. Big Bro is Washy's FAVORITE brother ... he lets washy ride on his shoulders. MELTS me every time. 

In other news, I've been talking to a new man. I said TALKING .. it's not officially ANYTHING but talking. It's kind of exciting, not "I found a roll of bubble wrap" exciting, but exciting none the less. 

I've also been reconnected with one of my elementary school bully's. I really think  I should publicly address this, because it is one of those important life lessons. When I was young, I was bullied, A LOT. Kids are MEAN!! From 1st grade through 8th grade (minus 4th grade) I was constantly bullied. 4th grade we moved to another town, and I went to a school where everyone liked me, so that year was good. 1st through 6th grade, except that 1 year, I lived with my grand parents. I was made fun of because we were poor, 2 of my cousins were brown, I had a gay Aunt, whatever other reason those dicks conjured up. Half way through 6th grade, my mom took me, and moved me with her, that is when I met the new bullies. It was AWFUL ... I HATED every second of it. This one guy would do absolutely nothing to make my life easier He was SO MEAN! 

I won't give any examples of the bullying, but it happened, every single day. I never wanted to go to school, and that sucked because I'm so smart. No really, my brain is amazing. 

After middle school we moved AGAIN, and I went to a school in which I became popular, more friends than I ever dreamed of having, and then I became a bully myself. 

Back to my point, my bully in 6th grade. Everyone poked their fun at me. I had a few friends, and I deeply appreciated them. However, the bully of all bullies was also there. Man was that guy cruel. 

Recently however, I bumped into said bully on the facebook of my cousin. I sent him a friend request, trolled his facebook, and occasionally we chit chat. The bully has grown up, well really everyone has. The cruelty of elementary school is far behind us, Life changes every one. We live through things, we forget about things, we find maturity, and we make new choices for our lives, and we become good people. 

The reality is, what happens in 6th grade is damaging in 6th grade, but you look back after living for a while, and suddenly it isn't as bad as it seemed. He apologized, and I informed him that he'd been forgiven and all had been forgotten long ago, I've been through worse. 

I lived for years in abuse, I was called names, put down, beat up, kept from my family and friends, I had to live with a person that made every second of my life and awful as he possibly could. I was threatened, my family was threatened, and he instructed me several times to just kill myself and let me know that no one would miss me. 

My bully was placed in my life, by GOD to help me learn how to deal with the abuse he knew I would face in the future. My bully tortured me, but I learned I was worth more than my bully thought I was. When having my abuser yell in my face that I needed to go kill myself, I NEVER gave it a reasonable thought, because I learned long before he spoke those words, that I was worth more than he believed. 

My bully saved my life, long before anyone knew it was ever in danger. 

I'm not saying it's ok to bully, I'm not saying anyone deserves to be bullied, but you learn important life lessons from being bullied. It isn't acceptance f being treated poorly, it's how to survive when someone doesn't treat you well. 

It wasn't me alone that helped me rise above a dark place in my life, it was every person I had ever known, every lesson I had ever learned, and every situation I ever had to deal with. 

The person that was my bully is now my friend. He's pretty respectable as an adult, if you met him you would never know the kind of person he was before. 

He feels bad for how he treated me, but I'm grateful. I'm also grateful that now, as adults, we can be friends. He can now put his bad feelings behind him. He's also into politics. Maybe, one day, he will be a congressman and help get some solutions to bullying. I believe he is in a position to make some great things happen. 

Well my readers, I must now move onto other things. Have a blessed day! 

The World Is A Vampire.

Everyone has to stand for something. I have a list of priorities, and obviously I am willing to share.

1. My children.

You start your life living for yourself, but then things change. You grow perfect people inside your own body, and one day they emerge. Then, though their journey of living for themselves begin, your journey of living for yourself ends. I have seen my children through everything, good time, and horrifying times. Once, I saved one of my children from death. I watch them grow, some from helpless lives that needed help to so much as breathe. There is no part of myself that I would choose over them. I would sacrifice my last breath so they they could have just one more. I don't just love these children, it's far beyond that.

2. My family.

At the end of every day, they are the people I can turn to. When I laugh, they laugh. When I cry, they cry. When I say jump, they say "Brooke get off the trampoline!" I don't really know what I would do if I didn't have my family. We go through everything as a team. Through thick and thin, we are together, even if we aren't in the same place. I'm a single parent, but without them I would parent alone. They make my sun shine, and my world far more enjoyable. I'm not saying my family is better than yours, I'm saying my family is the best!

3. Myself.

I do also have my own life. I will defend myself, and never again allow myself to be neglected. There was a time, when I didn't know anything about ME. I didn't have an hobbies or activities, I didn't know the kind of things I enjoyed. My entire self had been crumpled and thrown away, all on the vow of pleasing the unpleasable. My past was SO HARD, but I survived it, I left it behind, I found myself, and I will never become no one again.

Those are my priorities, as long as those 3 things are good, I know I'm doing well.

Mine are all about PEOPLE .. not everyone has those kinds of priorities. I, however, and a family girl. I love the people that love me.

I saw a meme, it said somethings along the lines of "I don't care about who doesn't like me, I'm too busy loving the people that love me." Generally, that is me pinned down and opened up. I love endlessly the people in this word that love me. When garbage happens, I try to focus more on them.

I hope everyone has a great day! May god shower you with his blessings.

It's My Birthday! I'm So Old!

Today, 35 long years ago ... the most incredible thing happened to this world. I WAS BORN! 7 pounds and 4 ounces of fire and fury! The years have passed, no more bottles, and colic. No more pooping and peeing my pants. My mind has grown, my body has grown, gravity is taking it's toll on my ass. Still, I look at myself and think "LIFE!" I love being alive. Breathing, thinking, feeling, and planning ahead. I don't know what the future holds, but I sure can't wait to find out! 

I'm sad today too though. By now, My Aunt Mary would have called singing Happy Birthday. Though my ears would ache, because though she was totally jamming out, it was so loud, I would listen, and thank her, and we would talk about a million and one things. I always knew she would call, and her call could quite possibly be the only call I would get. My outside smiles, my inside is broken. Suddenly I realize how crappy my cousins birthday was. 

My cousin and I, our moms are identical twins, our dads died 5 days apart, hers first, and then mine. Our feelings were very much the same, and it was impossible not to know how she was feeling immediately. This time though, I guess it took a little bit of time, my processing of the loss of my Aunt has been slow because of how I've had to be the tough one. Today seems not to be so meaningful. There is just so much missing. 

I think in my family, birthdays are more for the parents, and the people that love you. Yes, you are a year older, but for these people who have watched you grow from a helpless little person, to the horse pulling the cart, they see their blood, sweat, and tears pay off. The people who matter most, just aren't here anymore. I tell you the one thing I know for sure, I do not want to face the upcoming holiday, AT ALL! I'm so tired of everything changing. 

At this point, I've been through nearly an entire box of tissues. My baby is standing up on my bed making swooshing noises, pretending to be a power ranger. He's the only child I have at home, the other 2 boys are with my family for fall break. The family wanted them, I needed the break from their fighting and whining, and I knew I wouldn't be up for dealing with too much today anyway. I would have let them take my little one too, but he doesn't do well sans Mommy. He isn't happy to be without me. I'm cool with it, I know it won't last forever. Sucking it up while I can! 

Even though I'm even older today, I have SO MUCH TO DO. First grocery shopping WHAT A WAY TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY! I'm buying a damn cake, believe that! I guess I better get on things, I'm wasting my day being a big baby. 

Have a super day everyone, and if you get the chance, I need life alert. You never know when one will fall and break a hip in the shower .... 

Life Is Like A Run On Sentence.

Sometimes, you have to stop and take a breath.

Let me give you the run down here. I have a narcissistic ex husband. If you have ever dealt with a narcissist, you feel my pain. If you have not dealt with a narcissist, I envy you, Lucky!

Narcissists believe that nothing they do is wrong. It is expected that no matter what they say or do, you agree with them. If you do not, YOU are wrong. It isn't just that they think they are right, they really believe they are.

My ex believes that I had control of the time and date of my Aunts death. She died of natural causes, congestive heart failure. I did not murder her, therefore I had no control over the situation. He calls her death a "special event" and tells me that I shouldn't have kept my child for "watching her be cremated." Have you ever had a family member cremated? You don't watch, and you are not present. We knew a time frame (in days) that her cremation would likely happen, but no specific date and time. We had a non traditional "funeral". We had memorial services. Which seems to be what a lot of people choosing what we chose do.

He has went so far as to say, "I can be a dick and tell the judge she isn't really your Aunt." This is my mothers identical twin sister. No denying relation would even mount to an ant hill. I have half of my Aunts DNA. If we were genetically tested, the result would say that my Aunt is my MOTHER. My cousin and I, sisters if you check our DNA. We spent our childhood in the same home. We were raised TOGETHER. So yes, naturally we have a sibling relationship. My ex HATES it. He cannot stand the closeness of my family.

At one point he was successful in isolating me from them. I think being kept from my family took more of a toll on my than the abuse. I hadn't ever been away from them before. In his mind my family was his enemy, and being against the way he was abusing me, they were his enemy. Any time I would sneak in a call, they would try to get me away from him. When he would beat me up, and end up in jail, my cousin would show up and insist I pack my stuff and go with her.

He would threaten to burn their homes down, and to kill them. So I feared not only for myself, but for them. No way was I going to let him harm them too. Now he doesn't have that control. He doesn't know where they live. He knows nothing about any of them.

I filed contempt based on his relocation when he refused to give me an address and refused to make new parenting time arrangements. He gave me an address yesterday, his relocation lands an hour from my home. An hour, one way. I have 2 other children, I live on my own, pay all of my bills myself, pay for the needs of my family myself, all of my family is an hour away the opposite direction so they can't sit with the boys while I travel 2 hours to get my little boy. He lives with another person, paying $200 a month, has no other children. I offered to meet at a town close to me so he doesn't need to come all the way to my house, but the pick up time would need to change to about noon on Saturday.

He refused to agree. He works second shift, so Friday nights are out of the question. He then said hes filing contempt on me because I don't allow him to come late Friday nights to get him. The boys are in bed by 8 PM every night. I don't see fit to wake a child up, disturb their sleep and their schedule. Pick up times are to be in the best interest of the child, that stuff isn't in the child's best interest. The parenting guidelines happens to agree. Then he said he was filing contempt because he tells me to have a 4 year old call him and I can't force him to talk on the phone. I said, yes please do make those complaints to the judge, feel free to file.

The guidelines say that communication by phone is acceptable, without the interference of the other parent. I'm NOT interfering.

Examples of unacceptable interference with communication include a parent refusing to answer a phone or refusing to allow the child or others to answer; a parent recording phone conversations between the other parent and the child; turning off the phone or using a call blocking mechanism or otherwise denying the other parent telephone contact with the child.

I do not interfere, Joshua refuses to answer the phone. I provide a house phone for the kids, there are numbers programmed into the phone. Mom (me), their counselor, Dad (jared) Grandma Julie, Frantz (other grandma), Aunt Bobbie, Uncle Bobbie, Maw Maw (my mom), Alex, and Sisters. Those are numbers they can call any time they want. My 8 year old is really the only one that uses it. Hes the only one that is old enough to enjoy phone communications. The other 2 occasionally will want to use the phone, although it is rare. My little boy has brought me the phone a few times before and said, "I want to call my Grandma Julie!" I open the directory and press call.

For the record, I DO NOT like Julie, at all. I think she is fake, two faced, and just an all around crappy person. I DO NOT have to allow my child to call her, nor do I have to let him see her on my time. However, I am the Mom, and I have to allow my children to have relationships with their family. At his request, he calls her, at his request he spends nights with her on MY TIME. Remember, I have to think in the best interest of my child, not at what makes ME happy.

In the same token, is his relationship with his Dad. Nothing I say here is spoken out loud around my child. His father is about as worthless as a spoon for eating steak. Do I tell him that? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. The boys problem with his Dad is personal. Dad says "mean things" about Mom. That makes him angry. and he turns anger into dislike. I can't fix that problem, I didn't make it, and there is nothing for me to do but love my child. Now if Dad chooses to take it to court, then I will put it out on the table.

     2. With A Child Generally. A child and a parent shall be entitled to private communications without interference from the other parent. A child shall never be used by one parent to spy or report on the other. Each parent shall encourage the child to respect and love the other parent. Parents shall at all times avoid speaking negatively about each other in or near the presence of the child, and they shall firmly discourage such conduct by relatives or friends.

I do pretty good with my all of my children. We do not talk badly about ANYONE. My family is the same. We all have children, we want them to respect and love. We were taught these things by our parents, grand parents, aunts, and uncles. My parents were divorced, I remember them being married, I remember their separation, I remember their divorce, and I remember life afterwards. My parents NEVER trash talked, at least not when I was around. I do the same for my child, I demand EVERYONE do the same for my child.

I have two boys with fathers completely absent from their lives. I don't speak of them. The boys will ask questions, and I answer to the best of my abilities. Why doesn't my dad come see me? I'm not sure, but I see you all the time! My 8 year old spies on his father via facebook. How come my dad sees all his other kids but not me? I'm not really sure, but boy is he missing out on a fantastic person!

I don't need parenting guidelines to tell me what I should and shouldn't say to children. I know how fragile a child's psyche is. That my friends is something I went t school for, and I was also raised better than to be a trash talker. Children aren't adults, they shouldn't be placed in adult situations. Even when they are adults, I won't be talking badly about their other parent.

When my Dad passed away, my mom said to me, "I'm so sorry, I always loved your dad, he was a wonderful man." I know my Dad wasn't always a wonderful man. I knew she wasn't being honest. I also knew, that even though my mother lied to my face, I couldn't argue with her. She never spoke badly of my Dad. She could have though, I remember when they were married. They didn't get divorced because everything was wonderful.

My ex husband lives in his own little world. He tries to use the parenting guidelines to his advantage, he bends and twists things until he thinks he can convince me that the guidelines say something they don't. For instance, where he is moving is an HOUR away from my home, but a HALF HOUR from where my family lives, but he says since he is in the county the time and distance doesn't matter. He "won't allow" me to move closer to my family because it's "out of county".

  2. Distance/Cost As Factors. Where the distance between the parents' residences is such that extended driving time is necessary, the parents should agree on a location for the exchange of the child. The cost of transportation should be shared based on consideration of various factors, including the distance involved, the financial resources of the parents, the reason why the distances exist, and the family situation of each parent at that time.

 2. Indiana Law. Indiana law (Ind. Code § 31-17-2.2) requires all individuals who have (or who are seeking) child custody or parenting time, and who intend to relocate their residence to provide notice to an individual who has (or is seeking) child custody, parenting time or grandparent visitation. The notice must be made by registered or certified mail not later than 90 days before the individual intends to move. The relocating party's notice must provide certain specified and detailed information about the move. This information includes: the new address; new phone numbers; the date of the proposed move; a stated reason for the move; a proposed new parenting time schedule; and must include certain statements regarding the rights of the non- relocating party. The notice must also be filed with the Court. The notice is required for all proposed moves by custodial and non custodial parents in all cases when the proposed move involves a change of the primary residence for a period of at least sixty (60) days. This is true even when a person plans to move across the street or across town, and when a party plans on moving across the state or the country, or to another country.

Mind you, he informed me of an address YESTERDAY and he HAS ALREADY MOVED. All I can do is shake my head and for now be glad that between NOW and OUR COURT DATE he has NO VISITATIONS. I feel bad for the judge. Even though he is the one in contempt, for relocation, for the second time in 4 months, I tried to compromise. However, you can't compromise with a narcissist. They aren't capable of it. It has to be what they say, or their answer is NO and YOU ARE WRONG.

Pray for my child. Imagine how terrorized his life is with a father with this disease. My poor little boy will never know what it is like to have a mentally sound and fair minded father.

What kind of abuse victim never fights back? A dead one. I'm alive, and I will never be sorry for that.