Free The Beast!

Watching CBS this morning, sipping my coffee, lounging in my pj's, and Washy starts singing me a song. "I love mommy, mommy loves me!" I love his random songs. That, he gets from me. I love singing little made up tunes, I make them as I go. Doing dishes, sing a song about spoons, kids misbehaving, sing a song about their little deeds, Dog being overly needy, sing a song about not caving to her demands!

Ha ha ha! I love singing.

My absolute favorite song, to the tune of O Holy Night, is My Boys Fight. Ok so near Christmas, I'll have to make a video, I'm sure every parent with more than 1 child will be able to relate. It it also a little comical.

You know, it takes me sometimes several hours to write a blog, it's not that I'm a slow or choosy writer, it's just that things happen. My coffee cup runs dry, my dog needs out, a child needs something, I get a text message, I forgot to comb my hair, the neighbors dog is barking like it doesn't have any sense, basically, I get distracted.

So they have these new "eating mats" for kids. ez pz they are called. Well they keep having contests to win these mats, and I REALLY WANT ONE! Today they have a contest, to enter you need to post a picture of your messy kid.

My entry! LOL! Washy's 1st birthday! He was sooooo messy, he left a whole lot of cake in the tub when he was done! Even if I don't win, I love these pictures, and I love sharing them.

I like that one too ... my Oldest and my youngest boys. Big Bro is Washy's FAVORITE brother ... he lets washy ride on his shoulders. MELTS me every time. 

In other news, I've been talking to a new man. I said TALKING .. it's not officially ANYTHING but talking. It's kind of exciting, not "I found a roll of bubble wrap" exciting, but exciting none the less. 

I've also been reconnected with one of my elementary school bully's. I really think  I should publicly address this, because it is one of those important life lessons. When I was young, I was bullied, A LOT. Kids are MEAN!! From 1st grade through 8th grade (minus 4th grade) I was constantly bullied. 4th grade we moved to another town, and I went to a school where everyone liked me, so that year was good. 1st through 6th grade, except that 1 year, I lived with my grand parents. I was made fun of because we were poor, 2 of my cousins were brown, I had a gay Aunt, whatever other reason those dicks conjured up. Half way through 6th grade, my mom took me, and moved me with her, that is when I met the new bullies. It was AWFUL ... I HATED every second of it. This one guy would do absolutely nothing to make my life easier He was SO MEAN! 

I won't give any examples of the bullying, but it happened, every single day. I never wanted to go to school, and that sucked because I'm so smart. No really, my brain is amazing. 

After middle school we moved AGAIN, and I went to a school in which I became popular, more friends than I ever dreamed of having, and then I became a bully myself. 

Back to my point, my bully in 6th grade. Everyone poked their fun at me. I had a few friends, and I deeply appreciated them. However, the bully of all bullies was also there. Man was that guy cruel. 

Recently however, I bumped into said bully on the facebook of my cousin. I sent him a friend request, trolled his facebook, and occasionally we chit chat. The bully has grown up, well really everyone has. The cruelty of elementary school is far behind us, Life changes every one. We live through things, we forget about things, we find maturity, and we make new choices for our lives, and we become good people. 

The reality is, what happens in 6th grade is damaging in 6th grade, but you look back after living for a while, and suddenly it isn't as bad as it seemed. He apologized, and I informed him that he'd been forgiven and all had been forgotten long ago, I've been through worse. 

I lived for years in abuse, I was called names, put down, beat up, kept from my family and friends, I had to live with a person that made every second of my life and awful as he possibly could. I was threatened, my family was threatened, and he instructed me several times to just kill myself and let me know that no one would miss me. 

My bully was placed in my life, by GOD to help me learn how to deal with the abuse he knew I would face in the future. My bully tortured me, but I learned I was worth more than my bully thought I was. When having my abuser yell in my face that I needed to go kill myself, I NEVER gave it a reasonable thought, because I learned long before he spoke those words, that I was worth more than he believed. 

My bully saved my life, long before anyone knew it was ever in danger. 

I'm not saying it's ok to bully, I'm not saying anyone deserves to be bullied, but you learn important life lessons from being bullied. It isn't acceptance f being treated poorly, it's how to survive when someone doesn't treat you well. 

It wasn't me alone that helped me rise above a dark place in my life, it was every person I had ever known, every lesson I had ever learned, and every situation I ever had to deal with. 

The person that was my bully is now my friend. He's pretty respectable as an adult, if you met him you would never know the kind of person he was before. 

He feels bad for how he treated me, but I'm grateful. I'm also grateful that now, as adults, we can be friends. He can now put his bad feelings behind him. He's also into politics. Maybe, one day, he will be a congressman and help get some solutions to bullying. I believe he is in a position to make some great things happen. 

Well my readers, I must now move onto other things. Have a blessed day! 

The World Is A Vampire.

Everyone has to stand for something. I have a list of priorities, and obviously I am willing to share.

1. My children.

You start your life living for yourself, but then things change. You grow perfect people inside your own body, and one day they emerge. Then, though their journey of living for themselves begin, your journey of living for yourself ends. I have seen my children through everything, good time, and horrifying times. Once, I saved one of my children from death. I watch them grow, some from helpless lives that needed help to so much as breathe. There is no part of myself that I would choose over them. I would sacrifice my last breath so they they could have just one more. I don't just love these children, it's far beyond that.

2. My family.

At the end of every day, they are the people I can turn to. When I laugh, they laugh. When I cry, they cry. When I say jump, they say "Brooke get off the trampoline!" I don't really know what I would do if I didn't have my family. We go through everything as a team. Through thick and thin, we are together, even if we aren't in the same place. I'm a single parent, but without them I would parent alone. They make my sun shine, and my world far more enjoyable. I'm not saying my family is better than yours, I'm saying my family is the best!

3. Myself.

I do also have my own life. I will defend myself, and never again allow myself to be neglected. There was a time, when I didn't know anything about ME. I didn't have an hobbies or activities, I didn't know the kind of things I enjoyed. My entire self had been crumpled and thrown away, all on the vow of pleasing the unpleasable. My past was SO HARD, but I survived it, I left it behind, I found myself, and I will never become no one again.

Those are my priorities, as long as those 3 things are good, I know I'm doing well.

Mine are all about PEOPLE .. not everyone has those kinds of priorities. I, however, and a family girl. I love the people that love me.

I saw a meme, it said somethings along the lines of "I don't care about who doesn't like me, I'm too busy loving the people that love me." Generally, that is me pinned down and opened up. I love endlessly the people in this word that love me. When garbage happens, I try to focus more on them.

I hope everyone has a great day! May god shower you with his blessings.

It's My Birthday! I'm So Old!

Today, 35 long years ago ... the most incredible thing happened to this world. I WAS BORN! 7 pounds and 4 ounces of fire and fury! The years have passed, no more bottles, and colic. No more pooping and peeing my pants. My mind has grown, my body has grown, gravity is taking it's toll on my ass. Still, I look at myself and think "LIFE!" I love being alive. Breathing, thinking, feeling, and planning ahead. I don't know what the future holds, but I sure can't wait to find out! 

I'm sad today too though. By now, My Aunt Mary would have called singing Happy Birthday. Though my ears would ache, because though she was totally jamming out, it was so loud, I would listen, and thank her, and we would talk about a million and one things. I always knew she would call, and her call could quite possibly be the only call I would get. My outside smiles, my inside is broken. Suddenly I realize how crappy my cousins birthday was. 

My cousin and I, our moms are identical twins, our dads died 5 days apart, hers first, and then mine. Our feelings were very much the same, and it was impossible not to know how she was feeling immediately. This time though, I guess it took a little bit of time, my processing of the loss of my Aunt has been slow because of how I've had to be the tough one. Today seems not to be so meaningful. There is just so much missing. 

I think in my family, birthdays are more for the parents, and the people that love you. Yes, you are a year older, but for these people who have watched you grow from a helpless little person, to the horse pulling the cart, they see their blood, sweat, and tears pay off. The people who matter most, just aren't here anymore. I tell you the one thing I know for sure, I do not want to face the upcoming holiday, AT ALL! I'm so tired of everything changing. 

At this point, I've been through nearly an entire box of tissues. My baby is standing up on my bed making swooshing noises, pretending to be a power ranger. He's the only child I have at home, the other 2 boys are with my family for fall break. The family wanted them, I needed the break from their fighting and whining, and I knew I wouldn't be up for dealing with too much today anyway. I would have let them take my little one too, but he doesn't do well sans Mommy. He isn't happy to be without me. I'm cool with it, I know it won't last forever. Sucking it up while I can! 

Even though I'm even older today, I have SO MUCH TO DO. First grocery shopping WHAT A WAY TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY! I'm buying a damn cake, believe that! I guess I better get on things, I'm wasting my day being a big baby. 

Have a super day everyone, and if you get the chance, I need life alert. You never know when one will fall and break a hip in the shower .... 

Life Is Like A Run On Sentence.

Sometimes, you have to stop and take a breath.

Let me give you the run down here. I have a narcissistic ex husband. If you have ever dealt with a narcissist, you feel my pain. If you have not dealt with a narcissist, I envy you, Lucky!

Narcissists believe that nothing they do is wrong. It is expected that no matter what they say or do, you agree with them. If you do not, YOU are wrong. It isn't just that they think they are right, they really believe they are.

My ex believes that I had control of the time and date of my Aunts death. She died of natural causes, congestive heart failure. I did not murder her, therefore I had no control over the situation. He calls her death a "special event" and tells me that I shouldn't have kept my child for "watching her be cremated." Have you ever had a family member cremated? You don't watch, and you are not present. We knew a time frame (in days) that her cremation would likely happen, but no specific date and time. We had a non traditional "funeral". We had memorial services. Which seems to be what a lot of people choosing what we chose do.

He has went so far as to say, "I can be a dick and tell the judge she isn't really your Aunt." This is my mothers identical twin sister. No denying relation would even mount to an ant hill. I have half of my Aunts DNA. If we were genetically tested, the result would say that my Aunt is my MOTHER. My cousin and I, sisters if you check our DNA. We spent our childhood in the same home. We were raised TOGETHER. So yes, naturally we have a sibling relationship. My ex HATES it. He cannot stand the closeness of my family.

At one point he was successful in isolating me from them. I think being kept from my family took more of a toll on my than the abuse. I hadn't ever been away from them before. In his mind my family was his enemy, and being against the way he was abusing me, they were his enemy. Any time I would sneak in a call, they would try to get me away from him. When he would beat me up, and end up in jail, my cousin would show up and insist I pack my stuff and go with her.

He would threaten to burn their homes down, and to kill them. So I feared not only for myself, but for them. No way was I going to let him harm them too. Now he doesn't have that control. He doesn't know where they live. He knows nothing about any of them.

I filed contempt based on his relocation when he refused to give me an address and refused to make new parenting time arrangements. He gave me an address yesterday, his relocation lands an hour from my home. An hour, one way. I have 2 other children, I live on my own, pay all of my bills myself, pay for the needs of my family myself, all of my family is an hour away the opposite direction so they can't sit with the boys while I travel 2 hours to get my little boy. He lives with another person, paying $200 a month, has no other children. I offered to meet at a town close to me so he doesn't need to come all the way to my house, but the pick up time would need to change to about noon on Saturday.

He refused to agree. He works second shift, so Friday nights are out of the question. He then said hes filing contempt on me because I don't allow him to come late Friday nights to get him. The boys are in bed by 8 PM every night. I don't see fit to wake a child up, disturb their sleep and their schedule. Pick up times are to be in the best interest of the child, that stuff isn't in the child's best interest. The parenting guidelines happens to agree. Then he said he was filing contempt because he tells me to have a 4 year old call him and I can't force him to talk on the phone. I said, yes please do make those complaints to the judge, feel free to file.

The guidelines say that communication by phone is acceptable, without the interference of the other parent. I'm NOT interfering.

Examples of unacceptable interference with communication include a parent refusing to answer a phone or refusing to allow the child or others to answer; a parent recording phone conversations between the other parent and the child; turning off the phone or using a call blocking mechanism or otherwise denying the other parent telephone contact with the child.

I do not interfere, Joshua refuses to answer the phone. I provide a house phone for the kids, there are numbers programmed into the phone. Mom (me), their counselor, Dad (jared) Grandma Julie, Frantz (other grandma), Aunt Bobbie, Uncle Bobbie, Maw Maw (my mom), Alex, and Sisters. Those are numbers they can call any time they want. My 8 year old is really the only one that uses it. Hes the only one that is old enough to enjoy phone communications. The other 2 occasionally will want to use the phone, although it is rare. My little boy has brought me the phone a few times before and said, "I want to call my Grandma Julie!" I open the directory and press call.

For the record, I DO NOT like Julie, at all. I think she is fake, two faced, and just an all around crappy person. I DO NOT have to allow my child to call her, nor do I have to let him see her on my time. However, I am the Mom, and I have to allow my children to have relationships with their family. At his request, he calls her, at his request he spends nights with her on MY TIME. Remember, I have to think in the best interest of my child, not at what makes ME happy.

In the same token, is his relationship with his Dad. Nothing I say here is spoken out loud around my child. His father is about as worthless as a spoon for eating steak. Do I tell him that? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. The boys problem with his Dad is personal. Dad says "mean things" about Mom. That makes him angry. and he turns anger into dislike. I can't fix that problem, I didn't make it, and there is nothing for me to do but love my child. Now if Dad chooses to take it to court, then I will put it out on the table.

     2. With A Child Generally. A child and a parent shall be entitled to private communications without interference from the other parent. A child shall never be used by one parent to spy or report on the other. Each parent shall encourage the child to respect and love the other parent. Parents shall at all times avoid speaking negatively about each other in or near the presence of the child, and they shall firmly discourage such conduct by relatives or friends.

I do pretty good with my all of my children. We do not talk badly about ANYONE. My family is the same. We all have children, we want them to respect and love. We were taught these things by our parents, grand parents, aunts, and uncles. My parents were divorced, I remember them being married, I remember their separation, I remember their divorce, and I remember life afterwards. My parents NEVER trash talked, at least not when I was around. I do the same for my child, I demand EVERYONE do the same for my child.

I have two boys with fathers completely absent from their lives. I don't speak of them. The boys will ask questions, and I answer to the best of my abilities. Why doesn't my dad come see me? I'm not sure, but I see you all the time! My 8 year old spies on his father via facebook. How come my dad sees all his other kids but not me? I'm not really sure, but boy is he missing out on a fantastic person!

I don't need parenting guidelines to tell me what I should and shouldn't say to children. I know how fragile a child's psyche is. That my friends is something I went t school for, and I was also raised better than to be a trash talker. Children aren't adults, they shouldn't be placed in adult situations. Even when they are adults, I won't be talking badly about their other parent.

When my Dad passed away, my mom said to me, "I'm so sorry, I always loved your dad, he was a wonderful man." I know my Dad wasn't always a wonderful man. I knew she wasn't being honest. I also knew, that even though my mother lied to my face, I couldn't argue with her. She never spoke badly of my Dad. She could have though, I remember when they were married. They didn't get divorced because everything was wonderful.

My ex husband lives in his own little world. He tries to use the parenting guidelines to his advantage, he bends and twists things until he thinks he can convince me that the guidelines say something they don't. For instance, where he is moving is an HOUR away from my home, but a HALF HOUR from where my family lives, but he says since he is in the county the time and distance doesn't matter. He "won't allow" me to move closer to my family because it's "out of county".

  2. Distance/Cost As Factors. Where the distance between the parents' residences is such that extended driving time is necessary, the parents should agree on a location for the exchange of the child. The cost of transportation should be shared based on consideration of various factors, including the distance involved, the financial resources of the parents, the reason why the distances exist, and the family situation of each parent at that time.

 2. Indiana Law. Indiana law (Ind. Code § 31-17-2.2) requires all individuals who have (or who are seeking) child custody or parenting time, and who intend to relocate their residence to provide notice to an individual who has (or is seeking) child custody, parenting time or grandparent visitation. The notice must be made by registered or certified mail not later than 90 days before the individual intends to move. The relocating party's notice must provide certain specified and detailed information about the move. This information includes: the new address; new phone numbers; the date of the proposed move; a stated reason for the move; a proposed new parenting time schedule; and must include certain statements regarding the rights of the non- relocating party. The notice must also be filed with the Court. The notice is required for all proposed moves by custodial and non custodial parents in all cases when the proposed move involves a change of the primary residence for a period of at least sixty (60) days. This is true even when a person plans to move across the street or across town, and when a party plans on moving across the state or the country, or to another country.

Mind you, he informed me of an address YESTERDAY and he HAS ALREADY MOVED. All I can do is shake my head and for now be glad that between NOW and OUR COURT DATE he has NO VISITATIONS. I feel bad for the judge. Even though he is the one in contempt, for relocation, for the second time in 4 months, I tried to compromise. However, you can't compromise with a narcissist. They aren't capable of it. It has to be what they say, or their answer is NO and YOU ARE WRONG.

Pray for my child. Imagine how terrorized his life is with a father with this disease. My poor little boy will never know what it is like to have a mentally sound and fair minded father.

What kind of abuse victim never fights back? A dead one. I'm alive, and I will never be sorry for that.

Transformers, Robots In Disguise.

My children bugged and badgered until they finally forced me to agree to allow them furry balls of meowing love. I caved, I'm ashamed to say.

We had a cat, his name was Steve. However, Steve was an inside and outside man cat. He vanished into thin air in early September. Steve was a great cat, my neighbors liked him and appreciated the help in keeping the rabbits away. We hope whoever snatched him takes good care of him, and are happy with our cat.

Moving on, I finally agreed to a kitten. Ladies and gentelmen .. meet Optimus Prime ..

Current location ...

Technically, we got 2 kittens, the other is Road Rage. That one ... well My 8 year old is cuddled up with that one, and when she is up she's more concerned with running around than she is letting me take a picture. 

The truth is, I'm not a cat person. Cats are intrusive, and they can't be trained like my boston terrier. She's a nosy lady, and while she doesn't dislike cats, she is afraid of them, and cats take advantage of that. 

I've posted a letter to my dog before ... but I haven't posted pictures .. so let me show you my good girl. 

Baby Brittany .. and my baby boy .. excuse the stained carpet. This picture is from a home full of abuse, the stains were things like soda, blood, and other beverages that had been thrown at me over time. I make no apologies, I was just surviving at that time, and well that is a life I left behind. I kept this picture because it contains my 2 babies. 

Pregnant Brittany. This was taken January 16, 2014. The day before she had 10 healthy wonderful puppies. Can you imagine how comfortable she was. Poor Doggy!!! 

New mom Brittany, January 17, 2014 with all 10 squiggly little squirts. 

My babies just a few days ago. Aren't they sweet? 

Oh I finally got a picture of Road rage ..

The cat now won't leave me alone, and wants to keep sitting on my laptop. I told her, "Get off, I don't want fur on my stuff." She just looked at me, you know because I'm the moron talking to a freaking cat. Then, she climbed on the back of the couch, and now keeps going from one shoulder to the other, licking my face and then my glasses. Something is not right with this cat. I hope it's a phase, I don't need a cat thinking I'm it's buddy. She's just sitting on my shoulder, like a bird ... I HATE BIRDS. Why won't this thing leave me alone??? Damn it. Sat it on the floor, it jumped right back up, and it's on my shoulder PURRING! Just great. Wonderful. 

Whatever. This I suppose is my Fur Family. 

Now it's in my face meowing. I don't even know what it wants! I hope it doesn't poop on me or something. 

And here are some more pictures ... 

 Steve, my cat that has been taken by someone! 

My christmas tree last year. 

Fried Chicken! 

My boys! 

Princess messy face, my niece.

Secret asian man, cornholio .. my nephew. 

Really cool picture I took of Washy. 

The secret asian man playing in the lake I live on. 

A penguin that was rude to me. 

Have a great night ya'll!!

The Need For Greed

I wanted my blog to be funny, because I have so much humor, and I love to laugh. Sadly, it hasn't been so funny. For that I nearly apologize.

Normally, my life is drama free. Then my Aunt passes, and instead of allowing myself and my family any peace, I have this crazy ex husband that insists on creating hell.

He moved, at least he said he moved, he then said he hasn't moved but he is moving, either way, he won't follow the law on relocation, only giving me the name of the town. This isn't the first time, I have filed contempt on him before, in June for this same thing I have filed again, and we have court October 31 at 8:30 AM.

He has began a new campaign of nasty texts. Accusing me of abusing my son. We do not use physical punishment in my home. 100% because my children witnessed domestic violence, and now have a hard time understanding that when you are angry or when things don't go your way, the answer isn't to hit the other person. All of this, because I was married to a man that hasn't ever had any self control.

Yet there he sits, saying "the child had lumps all over his head the last time I had him." My child never has lumps on his head, unless he bumps his head, which hasn't happened in quite some time. First of all, if he had a bump on his head, I would have known and would have informed his father to keep an eye on him. If he had multiple lumps on his head, I certainly would have known, and if I didn't know, and he did, why on earth would he not say something? He also has the child for 1 day, he picks him up Saturday, and I go get him on Sunday. Why on Sunday when I picked him up would he not say "He has several lumps on his head, keep an eye on him." OR "He has several lumps on his head, take him to the doctor." OR since he is a parent too, a child has several lumps on his head, TAKE HIM TO URGENT CARE! However, none of those things happened.

Now, I did ask my son about it. He's almost 5 and he knows. His reply was that his dad hit his head on a chair, and it made him have a bump. He wasn't listening, and dad was yelling at him when it happened. The bump wasn't there Sunday when I picked him up, so it must have happened Saturday. Now, the child is going with his dad tomorrow,  and before he goes, I am going to have another person look my child over, probably an officer. I don't know what he is trying to do, and I don't know how far he will go.

After the ex made his accusations, he followed up with several threats. I don't take his threats lightly. He  is my abuser. He is inventing reasons to make threats, already trying to create a defense for the next time he beats me. I'm extremely concerned, and not real sure what I can do. Guess it's time to call the victims advocate back up.

I want as many people as possible to know, that THIS is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. You can leave the relationship, but when you have a child with you abuser YOU CANNOT LEAVE THE SITUATION. Indiana law says victim or not, suck it up, and deal with your abuser. I am forced to deal with this from him every day, calling the police is pointless, I've called multiple times. With abuse, leaving doesn't matter when your abuser refuses to let you go.

What Goes Around Comes Around.

Dealing with the father of my 4 year old is always a nightmare come true. I mentioned in my last post, my Aunt had passed away. What I didn't mention is My Aunt passed away, and her death prevented a visitation, on September 10 I told him then that his visitation may not happen. She died on September 11, and within a few hours, I notified him that she had passed and his visitation would not happen, that was Thursday. Which lead him to begin his nasty barrage of text messages threatening to file contempt, threatening to take custody, telling me my son didn't need to be around a bunch of grieving people (even though the child himself was a grieving person). To all this I told this ignorant ass to remember his family isn't exempt from death.

Today, it came around. Joshua's great great Grandma passed away.

I would absolutely LOVE to throw back in his ugly face all the shit he said to me 3 short weeks ago. Pour salt in the wound, add insult to injury. Show him exactly how it feels to lose someone you love and have another person act like a cold heartless dick. Oh God how I want to. Unfortunately, I was raised with kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy, morals, and GOD, so I know how wrong it would be to do that.

So, here I sit, offering my child to a grieving family, with their broken hearts, and not digging and being a bitch. I'm thinking of great great grandma, how much my son admired her, and how sad it is that he only had 4 short years with such a special woman. I haven't yet told him, I sent him to school. I would like to wait to hand him such a crushing blow. It's so hard knowing that my little boy has to learn at such a young age that death is a normal part of life. My poor baby!

I've spent some time praying, for guidance mostly. It's so difficult being the bigger person, to not kick back after the way my family and I were treated while facing our own loss. I have had literally NO TIME to heal from anything. It's all fresh. My head screams to point out in every way the things that he said and apply it straight to him, but I know how unfair and selfish that would be. Damn self control!

I'll be myself, show compassion even though it wasn't shown to me. I'll show grace and mercy, because NO ONE, no matter how rotten they are, deserves to be treated with anything less. I will set the proper example for my child, I won't cause any undo stress on an already stressful situation. I will keep my own anger aside, and place my best foot forward, although its incredibly hard. I will do it NOT for the undeserving POS fool, but for my precious and innocent little boy, who deserves nothing but a supportive and caring MOM.

May you all have a blessed day and pray for the family. Loss sucks.

Where Have I Been???

I've neglected my blogging. What can I say single mom life doesn't always leave time! Sorry!!

Now, let me fill you all in on life.

 I'm still single. Can you see my smile? It's there, believe that! My children continue to grow, and continue to learn, and continue to be in my face at every opportunity. You know, KIDS!!

Towards the end of summer break, my Aunts health took a strong dive. After a month of trying, and doctors doing everything they could, her CHF won. On September 11, we said our final earthly good byes to her. I learned 2 things that day. The sound of a flat lined heart monitor is torture, and I can displace my suffering and appear to be a rock for others in every necessary circumstance.

The memorial service was wonderful. Lots of family I hadn't seen in so long were there. I got to share some great stories about my Aunt that made people smile and laugh. I was very close to my Aunt. We spent lots of time together, and my 8 year old, we shared. She was his Mare Mare, I still remember when she was MY Mare Mare. The best things in life are handed down they say, I can assure you, in this case they were right.

It's so hard to let go of someone you can't imagine life without. It was a hard decision for my family. People often lash out when they are in pain, to avoid this, and keep stress off my cousin, as a family we made the painful decision to stop trying to force her to live. We had done everything we could, the doctors had no more options, and one very rude doctor actually walked into our room and stated she'd be gone that day anyway. We wanted her to be comfortable, and be at peace, and so we all agreed to a D.N.R. we stopped all the IV drips, we turned off the bipap, and in less than an hour, we lost the glue that held us together.

Death is ugly, and beautiful at the same time. Our family crumbled together, and we picked each other up.

We made all the necessary calls, and the family from other places began to arrive. Seeing them helped us through what we now had to do. We had a family meeting to decide on the services, to hear what others would be comfortable with, to inform them what we could do. We chose cremation, and a memorial service at her favorite fishing spot.

At her memorial service, we had a chance to share stories about fun times with Mary. People were so somber, the stories just weren't coming, but I have a million stories, I spent tons of time with her, heck I moved here because she said she needed my help. I was pregnant with My 6 year old at the time, about 3 months pregnant when I came. So I shared a story about a time that my huge Benny Belly caused Mary to pee her pants. We couldn't pass each other in the hallway, and she was heading for the bathroom, and I was heading for the kitchen, and he bright idea of each of us turning sideways was a terrible idea in reality, and when we became stuck, she started laughing, and then through her laughter "God damn it, I pissed my pants!"

After her service, our family from other places had to leave. After they were all gone, the pain of loss set in. I went back to my house, with my children, walked in the door, and grabbed my phone. I sat it back down, sent the kids to their rooms, and I crumbled. It was the first time I couldn't call Mary and let her know that we made it home safely. It was the moment I realized I no longer knew what my place in the world was. I called my cousin, and we talked on and on. Which now, we do daily. We have only each other now. It's up to us to make a new glue, and get through life, and keep our children in good places.

We are doing fine. Our children are closer, as are we. My Aunt was the glue that held us together, and now her memory lets us see how important we are to each other. She left us new glue, she gave us strong bonds. The coming months will be grueling, the holidays are coming, and we will have no choice but to survive them.

With that I will pull this to an end. I will hopefully be able to keep up with the blog better, hopefully be posting once a week. May you all be blessed, and keep your families close.