I am sorry, I have been neglecting my blog. A lot has been going on. Still, I'm just going to focus on today.
It was a busy one! Work was ... work. I love my job ... but if one more NASTY BITCH throws a bloody ass pad in front of the toilet, I just might FUCKING SNAP! :)
I had my consult with the oral surgeon. I will have surgery February 12 at 9:30 AM. They are going to put me out, I thanked him kindly! I have 2 teeth that will need to be surgically removed. I fear nothing! Except for 2 teeth being surgically removed. I mean, with all the available technology, can't they just wave a magic wand and wish them out?????
I joined the biggest loser contest at work. Today was the first weigh in ... I weighed DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! It is all good though, I'm hoping by the end I way LOOK THE FUCK OUT!!
I'm taking this contest super seriously. I want to win. Plus, let's face it, I could stand to lose some weight. I have 6 sodas hidden in my room. I'm going to let them stay there, and use them for my special treats. If I don't eat the 3 boxes of samoas I have, and the other 6 boxes I have coming, all in one sitting, I will have one soda on Friday night. Soda is my vice! I LOVE SODA! BRING ON THE PEPSI!! I did pretty good today, I did not eat any samoas, but I sadly watched as my children at them in front of me. MMMM girl scout cookies!
I had a piece of chicken, a salad, and a bottle of dasani for dinner. The reality is, I don't enjoy food anyway. I like girl scout cookies, but I'm never really hungry. My appetite has seemingly died since Friday.
Oh I so did not want to talk about this, but I feel that maybe I should. Realistically, my heart is hurt greatly.
As you all know, I have this boyfriend. He is WONDERFUL! I do love him. However, there is a problem. He is battling some pretty serious depression. I wasn't aware, like at all. The weekend though, he let it out. Not just by telling me that he's medicated, but he me inside his thoughts, and they are terrifying. By the end of the weekend, I was an emotional mess. I did what I could while he was here.
He was supposed to move in, but he decided he couldn't do it. Which, is fine. I don't mind. He spent HOURS on the phone with his child's mother, his ex. Arguing. He lied, over and over. "I'm not with anyone, I'm alone!" Uh, yea, I was literally 6 feet from him. I do not see a reason for him to lie to her. They aren't together, she is with someone else, she's actually in the process of moving in with the guy ....
AHHHHH!
So, when things calmed down, I told him that it is clear he is not over her, and I am not sure what business I have being any part of his life. I just don't.
While all this is going on, I'm not happy, and bracing myself to just end this, and he gets upset, he crumbles. I stay my normal self, outside I'm a rock, inside I'm dying.
I knew a new relationship would be hard, but like this hard? I don't know if it's normal, but it's nearly impossible to cope with. I question my ability to have a relationship. Is it me? I have so many things to think about.
On top of that, he's in a bit of legal trouble. Nothing serious, just poor choices. Still, it's aggravating. There is just so much going on. I don't know, I just don't know. It's a struggle. I guess I will kick back and see what happens. It's difficult.
Now, it's late, and I'm tired, and emotionally exhausted.
Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I Have a Beautiful Life
Yesterday, Ian and I were sitting at the table, and he asked me what I have blogged about him. I told him not much really. Then I told him, and reminded myself, that I hadn't actually blogged in a while. Don't worry! Here I am!!
It's not easy for me to walk into a relationship, and the reason for that is because it is so difficult for me to let go. I'm the one that will hold on to the end of the rope, and go as far as lying to myself to climb back up it. That's why I was with the abusive ex for so long. I could lie my ass off to MYSELF, convince MYSELF it was best to stay and that I could do better and make this asshole happy.
I have wanted nothing more than to spend my life with only ONE person. So clearly, that was shot down long ago. I had to figure out my own stuff, I had to learn about myself. I did that, and then Ian came along.
It wasn't love at first sight. It was " I wonder how long it's going to be before he chews me up and spits me out" time. To my amazement, he's done neither. He's kind, respectful, and just absolutely wonderful to me.
I let him meet my boys, and they LOVE him. He entertains their tough boy side. I am a mother, and as a mother I do a brilliant job, but rough housing is not something I do, nor allow them to do. As boys they CRAVE rough housing. Last night, as I sat biting my tongue, and keeping my mouth shut ....
It's not easy for me to walk into a relationship, and the reason for that is because it is so difficult for me to let go. I'm the one that will hold on to the end of the rope, and go as far as lying to myself to climb back up it. That's why I was with the abusive ex for so long. I could lie my ass off to MYSELF, convince MYSELF it was best to stay and that I could do better and make this asshole happy.
I have wanted nothing more than to spend my life with only ONE person. So clearly, that was shot down long ago. I had to figure out my own stuff, I had to learn about myself. I did that, and then Ian came along.
It wasn't love at first sight. It was " I wonder how long it's going to be before he chews me up and spits me out" time. To my amazement, he's done neither. He's kind, respectful, and just absolutely wonderful to me.
I let him meet my boys, and they LOVE him. He entertains their tough boy side. I am a mother, and as a mother I do a brilliant job, but rough housing is not something I do, nor allow them to do. As boys they CRAVE rough housing. Last night, as I sat biting my tongue, and keeping my mouth shut ....
That was by the way, when they were SUPPOSED to be going to bed! Still I let them have their fun time, even though the mom brain was sending the "It's time to go to bed, knock it off" impulse.
I thought the boys would have a hard time accepting a man, especially after all they have gone through. It didn't go as I thought, even Washy was happy. He's my little mommy's boy, he's not supposed to WANT to, or be ok with sharing his mommy!! Am I right or what?
Still they got up this morning, "Where's Ian?" Uh, at his house! They genuinely like him. Not because they think I want them to, it really has zero to do with me. They like him because he is nice to them, and they have fun with him!
I feel like I am at a great place in life. Things are good.
Seasons Greetings! (That's my new thing, why should it end at Christmas??)
Friday, January 2, 2015
Grateful Moments
As I started 2015 yesterday, wonderful things happened.
I have spent the past 3 years working on being happy. I succeeded in doing that, and was happy with myself, and with what I had. My needs were always met, my life was joyful, my home comforting, my children thrived, our relationship strengthened. Life was going great.
Have you ever listened to Shania Twain's song, Love Gets Me Every Time? Well there are parts of the song that explains my thoughts and feelings ...
Life was goin' great
Love was gonna have to wait
Was in no hurry-had no worries
Stayin' single was the plan
Didn't need a steady man
I was quite content
Just a-payin' my own rent
It was my place-I needed my space
I was free to shop around
In no rush to settle down
Oh yea, that's a GREAT tune! I was totally feeling it! However, as the song goes ..
I had it covered-'til I discovered
That love gets me every time
My heart changed my mind
Don't get me wrong, I still pay my own rent, I still have my own place, I still need my own space, because nothing can happen so fast, I still need time, and a bigger home must be found . otherwise 5 children and 2 adults in a 2 (put the third bedroom back in so 3) bedroom home?? AND SOME TIMES TEN KIDS?? Not enough SPACE!! Not to mention that 4 of the ten are TEENAGERS and 3 of those are GIRLS! Let's not jump into all that so fast, it's a lot!
The guy is WONDERFUL and I am so grateful that I waited for someone amazing to come along. Best thing I ever chose was to stay single. Regaining my independence, putting things into my own perspective, seeing the bigger picture, letting God take me to where he needed me to be, all things that I just feel eternally blessed for. My life hasn't been easy, I have made so many less than desirable, less than wise choices. All for a reason though.
Without the bad, the good doesn't matter. It's impossible to know joy is you haven't been miserable. I have been to the bottom and sucked it dry. I dug a hole that no one could help me climb out of. I broke every fingernail on my hand, I injured every toe on my foot, but I climbed. It was hard, it was painful, it was cold and lonely, but today I'm out of it and walking on steady ground. No shovel in hand!
Now here is this guy, that sees my broken self, he sees the missing pieces, he sees the anger, the destruction surrounding me, the unavoidable mess of a huge storm that left everything crumbled around me. Most would say, "That's a lot of mess, you better go clean it up!"Not him though, he says "Here, let me help move this stuff out of the way."
Who could say no to that? No, he isn't cleaning up and putting things back together, but he helps, more than I will ever be able to explain. I have kept this under wraps for a time, I didn't know what would happen. The longer it goes on the better it gets, and he's in it as long as I allow him to be, so ladies and gentlemen, I have decided, this will not be over anytime soon, possibly never. It's time for me to have a life, and stop living solitary. I don't mean literally, I am not ready to live the "married" life, not yet!! There is, and I openly admit, people that are now equally important to myself, as my children and family are.
I am not, single, any longer, and I am not unhappy about it.
Happy Friday! Be Blessed!!
I have spent the past 3 years working on being happy. I succeeded in doing that, and was happy with myself, and with what I had. My needs were always met, my life was joyful, my home comforting, my children thrived, our relationship strengthened. Life was going great.
Have you ever listened to Shania Twain's song, Love Gets Me Every Time? Well there are parts of the song that explains my thoughts and feelings ...
Life was goin' great
Love was gonna have to wait
Was in no hurry-had no worries
Stayin' single was the plan
Didn't need a steady man
I was quite content
Just a-payin' my own rent
It was my place-I needed my space
I was free to shop around
In no rush to settle down
Oh yea, that's a GREAT tune! I was totally feeling it! However, as the song goes ..
I had it covered-'til I discovered
That love gets me every time
My heart changed my mind
Don't get me wrong, I still pay my own rent, I still have my own place, I still need my own space, because nothing can happen so fast, I still need time, and a bigger home must be found . otherwise 5 children and 2 adults in a 2 (put the third bedroom back in so 3) bedroom home?? AND SOME TIMES TEN KIDS?? Not enough SPACE!! Not to mention that 4 of the ten are TEENAGERS and 3 of those are GIRLS! Let's not jump into all that so fast, it's a lot!
The guy is WONDERFUL and I am so grateful that I waited for someone amazing to come along. Best thing I ever chose was to stay single. Regaining my independence, putting things into my own perspective, seeing the bigger picture, letting God take me to where he needed me to be, all things that I just feel eternally blessed for. My life hasn't been easy, I have made so many less than desirable, less than wise choices. All for a reason though.
Without the bad, the good doesn't matter. It's impossible to know joy is you haven't been miserable. I have been to the bottom and sucked it dry. I dug a hole that no one could help me climb out of. I broke every fingernail on my hand, I injured every toe on my foot, but I climbed. It was hard, it was painful, it was cold and lonely, but today I'm out of it and walking on steady ground. No shovel in hand!
Now here is this guy, that sees my broken self, he sees the missing pieces, he sees the anger, the destruction surrounding me, the unavoidable mess of a huge storm that left everything crumbled around me. Most would say, "That's a lot of mess, you better go clean it up!"Not him though, he says "Here, let me help move this stuff out of the way."
Who could say no to that? No, he isn't cleaning up and putting things back together, but he helps, more than I will ever be able to explain. I have kept this under wraps for a time, I didn't know what would happen. The longer it goes on the better it gets, and he's in it as long as I allow him to be, so ladies and gentlemen, I have decided, this will not be over anytime soon, possibly never. It's time for me to have a life, and stop living solitary. I don't mean literally, I am not ready to live the "married" life, not yet!! There is, and I openly admit, people that are now equally important to myself, as my children and family are.
I am not, single, any longer, and I am not unhappy about it.
Happy Friday! Be Blessed!!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
2015 has arrived in INDIANA!
Holy page views BATMAN! Welcome to all my new readers! I do hope you stick around!!
I am so excited for the year ahead! 2014 is officially in the past, and it' with a happy heart that I leave it, and it's struggles behind. I don't have any special resolutions, I'm not going to make a promise to myself that I'm unlikely to keep. Instead, as the need for a change arises, I resolve the changes at the point in which they happen. This raises the level of happiness and keeps the value in my words. Remember when your mother would tell you a person is only as good as their word? I live that, not only to others, but also to myself.
I shall now mention 2014 for the last time. My year was one struggle after another, as I took myself back and regained control of my own happiness. I gave all of my problems to God, and one by one he dissolved them. It's a great feeling to look back and see how far I've come. I'm not sad or afraid, when the year ended, I was happy, and as the new year began I was happy!
On Christmas Eve, I went onto my Aunt's facebook, and made her year in review. It was a sad and happy moment, remembering so many great times, and being reminded that those times have ended and no new moments will happen. I posted it to her wall, and my Uncle Bob replied. He said " life is full of memories, love and forgiveness; Let us live our lives to the fullest and leave many, many memories, just as Mary did!" I think like he does, yes? Well, sort of!
https://www.facebook.com/mary.mcafee.5
That's my Aunts facebook, should anyone like to see her year in review. You can't save it or link it, facebook screws around like that! THANKS FACEBOOK!!
The year ahead is fresh and new! I'm so excited! Today, I'm going to spend some time with the guy. That's a good way to start the year right??? He's STILL sleeping, I've sent him 2 text messages TRYING to wake him up, one of them actually says "WAKE UP!!!" LOL!! It hasn't worked yet, but soon enough he will wake up, with or without my annoying messages. *grin*
The sun is beginning to rise. I love sunrises on the lake, it doesn't matter how hot or cold, it's always beautiful.
I think I'll grab a seat and watch the rise! Welcome 2015!!!
The rest is still unwritten ....
I am so excited for the year ahead! 2014 is officially in the past, and it' with a happy heart that I leave it, and it's struggles behind. I don't have any special resolutions, I'm not going to make a promise to myself that I'm unlikely to keep. Instead, as the need for a change arises, I resolve the changes at the point in which they happen. This raises the level of happiness and keeps the value in my words. Remember when your mother would tell you a person is only as good as their word? I live that, not only to others, but also to myself.
I shall now mention 2014 for the last time. My year was one struggle after another, as I took myself back and regained control of my own happiness. I gave all of my problems to God, and one by one he dissolved them. It's a great feeling to look back and see how far I've come. I'm not sad or afraid, when the year ended, I was happy, and as the new year began I was happy!
On Christmas Eve, I went onto my Aunt's facebook, and made her year in review. It was a sad and happy moment, remembering so many great times, and being reminded that those times have ended and no new moments will happen. I posted it to her wall, and my Uncle Bob replied. He said " life is full of memories, love and forgiveness; Let us live our lives to the fullest and leave many, many memories, just as Mary did!" I think like he does, yes? Well, sort of!
https://www.facebook.com/mary.mcafee.5
That's my Aunts facebook, should anyone like to see her year in review. You can't save it or link it, facebook screws around like that! THANKS FACEBOOK!!
The year ahead is fresh and new! I'm so excited! Today, I'm going to spend some time with the guy. That's a good way to start the year right??? He's STILL sleeping, I've sent him 2 text messages TRYING to wake him up, one of them actually says "WAKE UP!!!" LOL!! It hasn't worked yet, but soon enough he will wake up, with or without my annoying messages. *grin*
The sun is beginning to rise. I love sunrises on the lake, it doesn't matter how hot or cold, it's always beautiful.
I think I'll grab a seat and watch the rise! Welcome 2015!!!
The rest is still unwritten ....
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