Definition Me!

I am a serial dater. I absolutely LOVE dating, I just don't love the idea of allowing anyone inside my life. I pay the bills, I make the rules, I make the decisions, I go where I want and when I want, and no one complains.

I can wear sweats all day long, make whatever I want for dinner, or whatever the boys will agree to eat, you know whatever. I can put my laptop on the kitchen table, and blog while I drink my coffee. I don't worry about being under anyone's influence or control. I'm HAPPY and to me that matters more than anything.

I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else, or making a miserable excuse for a person happy. Those things are impossible anyway! The great part is, I can say that, and not worry that I have just offended someone! (If that offends you, leave my blog!)

I am free to express myself, I can't be punished for the rights given to me by the constitution! Guess what? I SO ENJOY free speech! No one can punish me for it either! It's great! Can't touch me!!

That's right NO ONE CAN TOUCH ME! Oh yea. Doesn't sound like a moment to celebrate to everyone, but to the many who have been victim of domestic violence, it's something to eat cake over.

I do not believe in soul mates. I believe there might be someone I could potentially be involved with and tolerate for a period of time. I have yet to meet that person. I'm a tad bit crazy, but I make up for it in overwhelming AWESOME.

I'm a chunky girl, I don't really mind, but I'm getting super annoyed by knocking the lamp off my night stand with my ass, every night, just trying to get into bed. I'm also SHORT. 5'3 .. who the heck is responsible for creating beds that sit 4 feet off the floor? The least they could do would be to build in a step or two, you know. I wouldn't have bought it had I known I would need a harness and climbing hooks to get on it. Dicks.

There aren't many people that I don't like, but when I don't like someone, I really hate them. Now and then, I will hate someone as a matter of respect. For instance, Christen (one of my bitches) was talking to Ashlee (another of my bitches). I walked in mind conversation. Christen didn't like someone, as they had said something stupid about her. My reply? "Fuck that bitch, I hate her guts, she needs stomped out!" Who? I don't know, doesn't matter, I stand by my bitches!

I don't get along with my mother. I have a long list of reasons I could give, but as a child I expect my parent to love me and protect me. Not too much to ask, yet my mother can do neither. I'm not crappy about it, instead I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND WOULD DIE FOR THEM. I would give up my LAST BREATH just so they could TAKE ONE MORE. I'm a good mommy because I never got that.

I don't have a bucket list. I don't see the point. I have seen the faces of every one of my children the second they were born. It wasn't about beauty, it was, all about wiping that white shit off their faces. I have said good bye to breast feeding and shitty diapers. I feel my bucket list is complete, and now I'm in bonus time! THANKS GOD!! YOU'RE THE ULTIMATE ALMIGHTY!!

Dear Bobbie, I'm glad white people didn't kill all of your ancestors, it would suck to not have you as my cousin. White Bobbie wouldn't be nearly as good, she also wouldn't want to humiliate people who mistook her for being Mexican, because she'd be white, and white people don't have that problem.You also would not have had that native american father, and white dads are too uptight to buy 8 year old little kings and believe it was ok because the cans were smaller. Your dad rocked!

Even though this Thanksgiving will be hard, we have so much to be THANKFUL for. Turkey, ham, and deviled eggs are at the top of my list. As well as a wonderful tightly knitted closer than ever family. Temporarily we have fewer, but one day we will have so much more. I'm 10 years away from giving my (in 10 years) 26 year old son permission to start having children. For now, my fat ass is looking forward to eating WAY MORE than any human being should. YAY THANKSGIVING.

What if this is as good as it gets? It's fine with me, I don't want to brush my hair anyway!

And now you know, as much as I am willing to tell you, about me.

Calling You Out!

That's right, my panties are in a wad! This time though, I'm justified. It's not me, it's you.

Let me fill you in on what I do.

I'm a mom, I do the mom thing. I live FOR MY CHILDREN 26 days in a normal month. 4 days in a normal month, my children are off with other family. Some, dad, some aunts and uncles, some grandparents, and I do me those 4 days a month. At least that is how it should be.

Is it a problem for me? NOPE! I absolutely LOVE IT! My children are sometimes on my nerves, but most of the time pretty good short people.

I have this child, with my ex husband who I think is a complete moron. Lately, I've been trying to work with him more, be more fair when it comes to my child and his time, and include this loser in more of his life.

He complained REPEATEDLY, that it is MY FAULT that this child believes that his dad doesn't WANT to spend time with him. I felt that maybe it was, and so began to work on changing MYSELF so that the shitty parent could be more involved and the child wouldn't feel the way he does.

Then, it happened. The father who insists the child's feelings are the Mothers fault, gets a night in which he is free. Not working, just free time. Guess what happens?

HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIS CHILD, HE CHOOSES TO GO TO THE BAR INSTEAD!

The next day, I decide I should speak to him about how he is sending the message that he doesn't want to spend time with the kid, His reply? "I don't care about your opinion, I'm on a hot date."

SMH! SMH! SMH!!

He hasn't changed, he doesn't WANT to spend time with the child, he just wants ME to take the blame for HIS FAILURES!

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

I have been kind, I have attempted to assist him in BEING ANY TYPE OF RESPONSIBLE PARENT, it doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work is because he doesn't want to be a parent, he wants to be an inconvenience.

Next time he chooses to bring his crap to me, and whine about how things are my fault, he damn well better be WILLING to commit to parenting.

If the only thing you want to be to your child is a bi weekly warrior, keep your mouth shut about everything else. The way your child thinks of you has everything to do with what YOU show THEM. Take a moment, anyone with a child knows this is reality.

May your children be your priority, always.

When I Get Bored ...

I LOVE MEME'S!! So much humor exists in a good meme. I've not go a lot to do tonight, nothing on TV, except that show about gypsies. I want to be a gypsy! Looks fun! Well, except for the part where they try to marry off their 15 and 16 year old daughters. I'm not sure I could be kosher with that.

Back to the meme thing! I've gotten a few favorites.

I feel like this was made for the people that annoy me. Please!! Don't speak! LOL!

This one isn't so much a meme as it is a coffee cup specifically made for me. It must have been lost in the mail as it never made it here.

I really like this one!! THANKS OBAMA!! LOL!!

Well, I do live in Indiana. 60 one day, 20 the next. This is pretty accurate. 

This one I like to post on my friend Matt's wall. He's a meteorologist for one of our lovely local news stations, and when he starts spouting the s-word, I start making meme style threats! LOL!! I'm also going to start packing a super soaker and ice water during the summer when I know he is loafing around being a laker ... so when I see him .. payback for the s-word! HAHA! He is going to LOVE me come summer.

I'm going to taunt him like ...

HAHAHAHA!

For now though, all I can do is plot. Ah winter, I loath you!

May you all have a warmer day than I.

The Truth Is ...

We make our own choices and control our own lives.

Today, my day was family focused. I spent some time with my cousin, her husband, my niece and nephew, and my children. We had lasagna, birthday cake, and enjoyed spending time together.

I could have chosen to do many other things instead, but nothing makes me happier than my family. This is the kind of person I am. I think it makes me a better person than I would be otherwise.

Let me tell you the truth about things I'm over dealing with.

People that aren't like me, act as though I live my life to make people think I'm better than them, and then go on to say that I cause oh so many problems.

First of all, I live my life for myself, I do what I do to improve the lives of my children. I strive to show them that they can be happy and normal with only one parent. Is it ideal? No. However, my children are thriving, and that's amazing to me.

I don't concern myself with others. It's not a disregard, if someone needs help, I extend my hand to them. I have many friends because of the type of person I am. Caring, empathetic, and honest. If something is wrong, I try to help make it right.

Now, this said, I have had to make some very hard choices in my life. Choices have been made that hurt the feelings of other people. My brother's drug use made me choose to remove him from my life. My ex husbands violence, drug use, and alcoholism made me choose to remove him from my life. My mothers constant need to criticize me and put me down and blame me for her discomforts caused me to remove myself from her life. These choices initially hurt me, and the other people involved. How do they feel now? I don't know, I don't wish to bring them back, I see no changes from afar. I feel better now though.

Is it a bit harsh to cut people out? Yes. It is. That doesn't mean it wasn't necessary. The fact that cutting those people out gave me relief only proves that it was best for my own life. Do those people act out, become angry and blow up because of my choices? Yes, they have and occasionally still do. I figure, maybe, it's how they will heal from the hole I left.

People aren't replaceable. No matter how much it's denied, Your sibling and your mother are part of you, and you can't get another to replace them. Having your spouse tell you that you don't fit them, and having them file divorce is humiliating, and chances are the receiving party depended greatly on the other person. You know what though? If you constantly mistreat another person, eventually they will get tired, and they will leave you to live your life without them.

I'm mostly fine with my choices, I breathe easier, and my world grows a little larger every day.

There are people who do not like, and do not agree with my choices. That's OK! At the end of every day, my choices don't have anything to do with their lives, m choices have everything to do with my life.

I bet you are thinking "What about your children?" Let me tell you about my children, they are indeed touched by my choices, In the situation of my mother and my brother, well those people were never really involved with my children anyway. Birthdays and holidays, we really don't hear from those two people, and haven't really ever. A few times I tried to set aside the poor treatment of my mother, bringing her to my home for holidays. It literally made the holidays unbearable.

In the situation with the ex husband, there was a larger impact to my children. I, however, had to choose the lesser of the two evils. Time has gone by, and there has been some healing. Most of the healing has been for myself and my children, but the ex seems to be starting to heal as well. I think he finally understands that my choice to divorce him is not something I view as a mistake, and not something I regret at all. I thought about it for a long time before I actually did it, I tried to get him to stop the things he was doing, I tried to avoid it, but the day I filed, I knew it was the only way.

My hope is that he learned something from losing his wife and children. The poor treatment he shelled out every second of the day caused him to live an unstable life. 2 of the children that called him daddy he completely destroyed. In his attempt at revenge and punishing me, he denied the children, killing the relationship he had with them, causing them to see him for who he is rather than what they felt for him. I'm sure he thought that since he still loved them, when he felt like it they could just pick it up again. Now that he misses them, he is finding out, that isn't the case. The child that is his child often resists him, the child that is his loves his brothers, saw their pain, and changed how he saw his dad, just like the other 2 boys.

He has begun to see the boys again, letting them know he loves them and misses them. They speak to him a little bit, but they don't trust him. They don't say they love him, they don't say they miss him, and they don't forget what he's done to them. I do nothing, I let them lead me through this and what they want. I support my children and what they choose.

So, the truth is, that we are in charge of our own happiness. Our choices are something we own, our reality belongs to us. May you all be happy today!

The Political Complain.

"This country is going to hell!" THANKS OBAMA!

"Everything is so expensive!" THANKS OBAMA!

"We have to have health insurance and the cost is so high!" THANKS OBAMA! 

"Our economy sucks!" THANKS OBAMA! 

"I can't even find a job!" THANKS OBAMA!

"I have so many student loans!" THANKS OBAMA!

"Common Core sucks!" THANKS OBAMA!

"Schools don't serve food my kids like!" THANKS OBAMA!

Let me tell you, all of our complaints, are your own fault. Yes, we have a president, we have ALWAYS had a president. Good things happen, bad things happen, and you can't make everyone happy about anything ever. 

I got up this morning, turned the light on, and the light worked. Woke my children up for SCHOOL, handed them each CLEAN, FRESH CLOTHES, walked into the kitchen, popped a k cup in the Keurig and brewed a cup of coffee. I swung around, opened the refrigerator, pulled out the milk, grabbed a box of cereal, poured 2 bowls of cap'n crunch, called my children (who were in their room arguing) to come eat and hurry up because the BUS would be here soon. 

Breathe for 30 seconds.

They enter the kitchen, each eating HALF of the food in front of them, grab coats and book bags and run out the door to the awaiting school bus. I dump the uneaten cereal into the trash, toss the bowls in the sink, remember my coffee which is now cold, dump it out, brew a new cup, and sit down at the table. I open my laptop, which sat here all night, power it on, connect to the wifi, and check  my facebook to see what my friends and family are sharing. 

I grab my cell phone and pop open my weather app. 

I'm not cold, the heat is on. Few sips of coffee. My 4 year old enters the room. Handing my my I PHONE 5S, requesting I insert the password, he pops on YouTube, goes to the couch and cuddles up to watch videos about transformer toys. 

I turn back to the laptop, read a few articles, get bored, back to Facebook. The dog trots out, and knocks on the door. I let her out to make her pee's and poo's, fill her food and water dishes, let her back in. She takes a few bites of what they call dog food, a few licks of water, and runs to the living room to jump on the couch next to the boy, who continues to watch YouTube

THANKS OBAMA! 

You see, we live in a country, that no isn't perfect, but has far more luxuries than other countries. Yes, there are homeless, yes there are hungry, yes it's not fair, but it's a small percentage compared to other places. The average person has more than I do. I'm a single mom with 3 children to care for at all times. They have a home, heat, electricity, food, clean water, clean clothes, INTERNET, there are computers, tablets, phones, games, and a television with cable. We have a toilet, we've never had to dig a hole to do our potties in. 

Everyone is SO FOCUSED on what they don't have, and what they don't like, that they forget to be grateful for the tons of things they do have, and do like. No one appreciates anything. 

So next time you want to blame all the worlds problems on one man, think about all the things you could thank him for. After all, if he is guilty of all the problems, he is likewise guilty of all the enjoyable pleasures too. 

THANKS OBAMA! Have a great day! 

A Broken Moment.

***SAD POST***

Today, my Jaydizzle is 9. Normally we would be at my Aunts, having birthday cake. She loved having Jay's birthday parties. We'd gather at her house, and have a good time. Not this year though. This year we are at home, minus the center of our world, and I just don't know what to do.

My child is left with a huge void in his life and the one and only thing I can do is be heart broken for him.

Their relationship was special. My Aunt was like his other parent. His father, oh what a train wreck. Long story short, he isn't involved at all. His life has always been Mommy and Mare Mare, and now that's had to change.

I made him a cake like every year. I did a lot of special things for him yesterday, with the help of my ex husband. Sadly, it doesn't remove the problem today. Not that it could anyway, but what parent doesn't want to make a tough situation easier for their child?

I don't want my child to ache. I don't want his heart to be broken I don't want his whole life to have to change.

He now wants another parent. Not that he doesn't want me, but he wants a dad. You can't make these things up, and he's finding out the hard way. I can't create a second parent for him, and even if I could, he's only going to learn that there is no way to replace people that you love, and that ache will still exist.

I wish I could make all things good for him, but that is beyond the human ability. It sucks to watch my child suffer.

Another day, another struggle, and another area life needs improved.

The Difference A Day Makes.

As you know, I have this big pain in the butt ex husband. It's hard to deal with him, and as a result, hard to get along with him. We do have a child together though, and that brought me to a cross road which made me had to consider a lot of things.

Recently I realized I was being rather selfish with my child. I was making all these choices for him, and maybe it wasn't exactly my place. I read the parenting guidelines every time I question anything. I follow them to the best of my ability. I know that I am a better parent than my ex husband will ever be, this is a true fact, not a biased opinion. Maybe though, it isn't my job to be an overbearing mother simply because I know my abilities are better. I take these guidelines for parenting and apply them exactly to parenting time.

Here is where I haven't been right. He works second shift, I keep my son on his time while he works, and do not allow him to pick our son up on Fridays, because his schedule has him working until 11PM. Too late. 1 hour before bedtime I say, and our child's bedtime is 8 PM. If he gets off early, and it's after 7, too bad, you wait until 8 AM Saturday morning. I have been doing it wrong. The guidelines do say that, so legally I'm right, but emotionally I have caused a problem between my child and his other parent. This weekend, I put a stop to my own selfishness. Let me tell you about that ....

I got a message from my ex husband on Friday that said he should be getting off around 8, but he'd like to still pick our son up if I was ok with it.

Normally, I would say no, it's too late. However, this time, I stopped myself. Who am I to do this? Doesn't my son deserve to have a full weekend with his other parent? Is him being in bed by 8 PM on a night that isn't a school night, and won't require me to battle an overly tired beast, really that much of an issue? The simple answer is NO. Life doesn't need to run on a perfect schedule all the time So I said, Yes, that would be fine. He sent me a message at 8:45 PM saying he'd just gotten off, was it too late? I didn't hear the beep though, so a short time later he called. I said that I had just sent our son to bed, which was true, I assumed that things didn't go as originally planned and that the exchange would have to happen in the morning. That was kind of true, the plan didn't happen exactly right.

I got my child out of bed, and prepared him to go with his dad for the weekend, My son was ok with it, I was seeing him Saturday evening anyway for a wrestling event, which I will get to later. He decided then that he would come home Saturday. The guidelines say until Sunday, and so I told him that was up to his dad. He's only used to 1 night with his other parent, partly because of dad's schedule, and partly because of my selfishness.

When the ex husband arrived, Washy told him he was coming home tomorrow, and the ex husband said no. Washy had made up his mind though, but I once again reinforced that it was daddy's decision and he would be fine with daddy for 2 nights. They left. I wasn't selfish.

The ex husband had given me some tickets to a wrestling event, as he manages a wrestler, and he felt the boys would enjoy it. It was a kind act, and an act that helped me lose my own selfishness. I figured, I would take my boys to the show, and I would sit with Washy, and it would give him the mommy fix he needed to help him be happy with his dad for the remainder of the weekend. That was my plan.

When I got there Washy informed his dad he was going home with Mommy, he said this multiple times, but each time Daddy said no you are with me until Sunday. I didn't fight and argue, I didn't even think about it, this is time for Daddy and Washy.

An hour and a half into the event, Jay became over stimulated. Sometimes he has a hard time dealing with too many people and too much noise. So it was decided that we would leave the event early. I took Washy, who was demanding I take him home now, to the ex husband, so we could figure out if his mother would sit with Washy or if Washy would sit with Daddy, instead, the ex husband told me that if I wanted, I could take Washy home with me. Of course I snatched that chance up! I love having my son with me, at the same time I realize his Dad loves it too. I'm not sure why he let Washy have his way, maybe he didn't want the fiery fit in public. Maybe he wanted to go to the after party. Maybe he was trying to do the best thing he could and allow a slow transition into longer time.

I have to try to make the relationship between my child and his other parent easier. He will grow up and make up his own mind and create his own feelings for both of us, and I should do my best to make sure those opinions and feelings actually comes from what he learns from experience, not from what I teach him. I do not want to be "that mom."

Even though I hold a high opinion of my parenting standards, I do have room to improve, and for the best interest of my children, I need to do that. No one is perfect, but my hope is that I am so good that my children don't grow up and find huge gaps in areas I could have done better in.

May you all learn to continue growing, Good Night!!